Paladin: Almost a Hero
by Danny Bell
Summary: A more realistic side of how a super hero community might actually work, told from the perspective of a super hero without powers. The complete first story.


Paladin:

Almost a Hero

By Danny 1

My name is Paladin. Well, it's not really Paladin, that's just what people call me when I'm in costume. My name is actually Paul. It would be pretty silly though if people called me "Paulidin" though, wouldn't it? I mean, you've probably heard of me, I'm pretty famous. I've worked with the Avengers, you know. Well, the Avengers West Coast, but who's to really say which coast is more important. I also beat up Daredevil, but to my credit I thought he was a bad guy. I mean, come on. Dare DEVIL? Devils are clearly evil. It would be more than easy to make a mistake there. Let me ask you this: If a guy introduced himself to you as Adolph Stalin Satanface, do you think a lot of people would get mad at you for punching him out and shouting "America!"? No, I didn't think so.

It's like I always say: In the super hero business, you've got to know your strengths and weaknesses. I'll give you an example. This one time, I was hired to capture Baron Zemo. No, not the new one or his kid or whoever, I'm talking about the original Baron Zemo! The one that fought in World War 2! Seriously, he has to be pushing 90 by now, at least. Now, I hate that guy. I admittedly hate that guy, and not just because he's a Nazi and because he killed a bunch of people, that should be a given. I hate the guy because he's the one who started the whole Maniacal-Evil-Scientist-Who-Wants-To-Take-Over-The-World bit.

Baron Zemo had roughly three things going for him as a villain. First off, he was a Nazi scientist who replaced the legs of Jews with like daschunds or something. You know, those wiener dogs? Or like, he'd microwave their spleens, that kind of nonsense. He'd do it in the name of science, but really, he was just a jerk.

Secondly, he invented this super glue called "Adhesive X". I'm not joking here, that's what he actually called it. And just how diabolical was this glue supposed to be? Well, supposedly, whatever it stuck to would stick to, you know, that thing, forever. There were all kinds of problems with this. Right out the gate, is this guy a medical doctor or a chemical engineer? You can either invent glue or you can crossbreed Jewish people with wiener dogs, but you can't do both. For another thing, how do you really verify that it will stick forever? Does that mean you can't clean the vat it was made out of? And if he just invented it, how does he know it doesn't really just mean "Will stick for several months like regular glue"? And then he has the nerve to call it "Adhesive X". I think this was night Zemo got trashed and rather than just admit it, he sort of ran with it and kept replacing other Nazis wank lotion with Adhesive X. I guess it's kind of hard to make fun of a guy when your hand is stuck to your crotch for six months.

Third, and this is perhaps the most insulting, he invented the death ray. Not just any old death ray, I'm talking about THE death ray. He invented the first one. You know it was a death ray because if he shot you with it, then you died. Again, all of this was before my time, but I have to wonder just exactly how clever he must have felt. Here he was, inventor of not only the Nazi super glue Adhesive X, but now after what must have been years in the lab, he had invented a hand held weapon of unimaginable power…and he called it The Death Ray. And you just know that son of a bitch was walking around for the first half an hour just zapping people and cats out of existence. He'd be all like "ZAP! Hee hee!" and some little Nazi girl would be all "Mother, vhere ist mein kat, Herr Kittenstein?" and she would cry and cry and then Baron Zemo would be all like "ZAP! Hee hee!" I told you, that guy was a jerk.

So anyway, I get paid like half a million dollars by some guys at a VFW hall. They've been taking up a collection for like 10 years across the nation, even made a website if you can believe it, and when they finally had all this money, Captain America was nowhere to be found. Can you believe that shit? I almost had tears in my eyes, tears of pride, when one of those geezers told me "Son, if you bring that sack of crap back to us so we glue his hands to his pants, I'll stop thinking you're a Nancy for wearing a purple Halloween costume when it's 90 degrees out." And then he saluted me, God bless him.

So I've tracked this guy down, and let me tell you, it's been two hard months of sleeping with double agents, fighting men who wear Moroccan fez hats in the marketplace, driving get away cars, you name it. So I've finally tracked him down to this small little Bavarian cottage, and it's go time. This is the moment I've been waiting for. I have my force gun set to stun, my Kevlar is pulled tight, and my goggles have been wiped clean. I take a deep breath, shake off my anxiety, and march right to the door. My fingers tighten around the grip of my gun, I count to three, and I kick down the door. Sunlight and snow drift in from behind me as I stare at him, lying on his death bed. His fur collared suit hangs lazily on a coat rack, probably untouched for years. He's bare-chested, covered in liver spots and sporting a scar on his leg from a bypass surgery, but that son of a bitch is still wearing his mask.

"Get up, old timer." I tell him, my voice rock steady and unwavering. "It's time for you to meet some old friends."

"Captain America? How did you find me?" He shouted, his heart rate increasing on the monitor.

The nurse came right at me, all 230 pounds of muscular woman of her. I know at least a half dozen ways I could have thrown her through a wall, but I was feeling generous today. "Out!" She screamed in that bold, Bavarian accent that always seems to turn me on, regardless of how ridiculously old they might happen to be. "You being here ist bad vor his blood!"

Now, I wasn't here for love, I was on duty. But sometimes you've got to flex your charisma and lay out some of the old Paladin charm, if you know what I mean. "How would you like me to be bad for your blood?" I asked with a grin, lounging in the doorway. Of course, I'll never know if it would have worked, because she disintegrated with a horrible scream right before my eyes. That's the kind of horrible thing that gives you nightmares, you know. Have you ever seen a giant nurse reduced to ash and smoke in a single instant! That's some frightening ass shit!

"Infernal contraption!" Zemo raged, continuing to click his gun in my direction. "Damnable device!" He continued on this way as I walked over to him and removed his mask. "The batteries are dead." He cried simply, weeping softly.

To see a man in that state, in his twilight, ready to pass on and to look him in the eyes and to know that you both know he's a beaten old shell who will never again wield the power and authority he once commanded, well, it's a rough thing. It reminds one of their own mortality and that they too could be finished at any time. His eyes pleaded with me like a wounded old lion, once a mighty king who has now fallen, and he said "Please…please let me die with dignity and peace." And with that he closed his eyes, to wait for death.

Then I decked his punk ass right in the mouth! What? Don't give me that, he was a Nazi! He just vaporized a nurse! Wiener dog legs! Yeah, I beat up an old guy who couldn't even walk and had just taken his medication, but don't you dare tell me you wouldn't have done it any differently. So there I am, right? Just sitting on his chest, punching the hell out of him, and that's when I noticed his heart stopped. So of course I had to give him CPR. Let me tell you something: When you're giving a 90 year old man mouth to mouth, you forget all about vaporized nurses.

So that's how I defeated the fourth greatest menace of World War 2. Pretty amazing, huh? Well, I bet you're probably wondering who's in the sack behind me. You wouldn't believe me even if I told you. I mean, I'm going to tell you, and I think you'll probably believe me, it's just that it's pretty wild. It's the Absorbing Man. Yeah, I know, right? The same one that just to kick the shit out of Thor. Just wait until I tell you how I captured him.

Chapter 2

"Are you a superhero, mister?" The little girl asked, tugging on Paladin's belt loop.

"Why, yes I am, sweetheart." Paladin said, kneeling down to her level and taking a lick off his ice cream cone. "Are you lost? Where's your mother?"

"My mommy says you look weird." The little girl said with a giggle.

"Well," Paladin replied, standing up. "You should tell your mommy that I'm about to stop a very bad man and that she shouldn't make fun of the people who protect her."

"That's too many words!" The little girl said sternly, her ice cream dripping onto Paladin's boots.

"Jesus! I just had these cleaned!" Paladin exclaimed.

"Do you have super strength?" She asked.

"Well, I can bench like 270 and I…" Paladin began, looking over the railing to the floor below.

"Do you shoot webs?" She asked, still wide eyed.

"What? No, that's preposterous. Where are you coming up with these questions?" Paladin asked only half paying attention. He spied his target and was ready to make a move.

"Can you…Can you fly?" She breathed out in a hush.

"I'm about to." Paladin said, handing her his ice cream. "Here, hold this."

And with that, Paladin made a swan dive over the railing, hearing an aggravated "Hey!" from a mall security guard who was entirely too slow to be effectual in any capacity. Now, his plan seemed simple enough, at least to him. About 35 feet below him was Crusher Creel, The Absorbing Man. Creel is one of the most dangerous super villains alive today. He has the fantastic ability to change the chemistry of his body to anything his skin comes into contact with. It's like second nature with him; he doesn't even need to think about it. If he touches something that is solid steel, suddenly he is made of solid steel. He's fought The Hulk to a stand still. He's nearly impossible to harm. Unless of course you get him when he's not using his power. Now, Paladin figures that a man weighing 225 pounds landing on the head of another man, no matter how well built, from a height of 35 feet, will almost undoubtedly render him unconscious. Of course, if he misses, it won't matter much either way. Now, you've probably been at the mall yourself and wondered how much money it would take to get you to leap over the side of a railing. For most of you, the answer is "I'd probably die, so there really isn't a number you can place on my life." For Paladin, that number would be $750,000.

The crash made by these two colliding was astounding. The bags of clothing that Creel carried went sprawling, but it was nothing compared to half a dozen bystanders who were knocked over, or the cart of costume jewelry that was completely obliterated by Paladin rolling through it before he collided with a wall sized window that threatened to break.

Paladin tried to gather himself and assess his damage. One of his goggles was cracked, he pulled a muscle in his back, and his left leg was dislocated. His stun gun had also jammed. Of course, all of that faded from his mind the moment he realized that Crusher Creel was not knocked unconscious.

Creel, entirely unaware that he was just attacked, began to stir and tried to make his way up to his feet. Paladin's face was a myriad of emotions ranging from fear to anger to disbelief, but a large portion of it was fear.

"No, no, no!" Paladin repeated to himself, stumbling over to the fallen cart and grabbing the steel umbrella pole. "Why aren't you unconscious?" He shouted, as Creel gave him a bewildered look that Paladin promptly wiped off his face when he swung the pole like a golf club across his chin. "Stay down, God damn you!"

Paladin threw away the pole and mounted Creel, pummeling away on his face. "Get the hell off me!" He screamed, trying to somehow fight Paladin off him. Suddenly Paladin arched his back as pain etched its way onto his face. "Ow!" He cried, clutching his back as if to indicate he pulled something. "Ow, ow, ow…" and he was cut off by Crusher Creel throwing him off and getting to his feet in a rage. His eyes landed on the pole, and he reached out and picked it up, and his arms, chest, legs, and head suddenly became shinier and smoother with their newfound steel properties.

"You stupid shit!" He bellowed with an unnatural metallic roar, snapping the pole in two. Paladin made an unrecognizable motion. It could have been the start of an attack or the raising of his arms to block or any number of things, but before he could do anything the Absorbing Man grabbed him by the chest and threw him roughly 80 yards through the food court, demolishing tables and knocking over people in the way like bowling pins. "I'm going to rip your God damn head off!"

Paladin struggled to his feet, unsure of what was broken and how close he was about to be to death. People were screaming all around him, the crowd trampled over each other to try and get somewhere, anywhere, else. And that's when he saw the steps of the escalator coming down on him like a whip. "Oh shi-" He said, summoning every last ounce of strength and instinct he had to leap out of the way.

Paladin appeared to be on the verge of tears as he hobbled away from the advancing behemoth. "Oh Jesus man, I'm sorry!"

"I'll make you sorry!" Absorbing Man yelled back, intent on murdering Paladin. "I'm going to Whoa!" He exclaimed, slipping on a cup of ice that was spilt onto the floor during the commotion.

Paladin made his way through to the back of a small fast food booth, trying to hide and cowering behind shelves of burrito wrappers and sauce packets. "It's not like I didn't see you go back there!" Absorbing Man said, simply walking through the counter with a crash. "It's a dead end, you moron!"

Packets of straws, a case of vegetable shortening, a container of caramel; Paladin threw it all at Absorbing Man in desperation. "Go away! I just want to go home!" He wept.

"Then why did you attack me?" Absorbing Man retorted.

"For a lot of money!" Paladin screamed back through tears, throwing a can of pepper.

"I was just buying shirts for a job interview! And now I'm going to have to kill…" Absorbing man began, his face suddenly twisting with a sound of wrenching metal. Paladin watched in awe as his features turned ashen and the metallic shimmer of his body gave way to more earthen tones. "Going…to kill…a choo!"

There was the sound of a muffled explosion and then nothing but a smoky haze. Paladin coughed slightly and struggled to see before realizing what had just happened. One minute the Absorbing Man was about to crush his skull in, the next minute there was a room full of pepper clogging his lungs and there was no Absorbing Man.

He sniffled twice slightly and wiped away a little bit of snot from under his nose. "I…beat Absorbing Man?" He pondered to himself in disbelief, and then with more confidence he smiled and proclaimed to everyone. "I beat Absorbing Man! Now someone get me a broom!"

Chapter 3

All right, I'm going to be upfront with you. I've lost Absorbing Man. I know what you're probably thinking, and you're right: How do you lose Absorbing Man? Better question: How do you lose Absorbing Man in two sacks? Well, I can answer that with a bit of sound advice that you should already know: Never drink and fly a private helicopter.

Now, as sound as this advice is, I didn't take it. But hey, the next time you dislocate a leg after a knock-down drag-out with one of the toughest villains the world has ever seen and you have to pop it back in yourself by slamming it in an industrial refrigerator door, you feel free to call me on cell phone at 2:30 in the morning and tell me I'm a sissy and that you're fucking my mother right then and there, tough guy. I'll even pick up your dry cleaning for you when I deliver my testicles to you in a jar marked "You're Aces!"

No, no, come back, I didn't mean it. I'm just on edge. So where was I? Oh yeah, I just got done beating The Absorbing Man, because you know, I'm brilliant; and I probably should have been at a hospital. I had a package to deliver though, and I still didn't know who wanted him. Don't look at me like that; it was half a mill up front, quarter mill on the back side. I like to know who I'm dealing with just as much as the next merc, but that's a really hard deal to turn down. At this point, the important thing is that I have two bags of vacuum sealed Absorbing Man and it's time to get him delivered pronto.

I flash my Avengers reservist card to the local authorities when they get there and they still hassle me for a good half hour. Something about wanton destruction, notifying them ahead of time, "Where's Captain America?" blah blah, who has time for this? So I give this kid in a Burger Time uniform like $20, which was generous considering his store had been blown up and he probably wouldn't have made more than $20 for the day anyway considering how low minimum wage is. I hate to get off on a rant here, but the government should really do something about minimum wage rates. You never know when some psycho is going to destroy your local food court by throwing a car through it or something. These people need to be able to save a decent amount of money for when these sorts of things happen. Regardless, I threw him like $20 to help me lug these sacks to the Paladin Mobile.

Pfft, sorry, I got a little beer in my nose from trying not to laugh there. I just can't take any super hero seriously when they drive a vehicle that's named after them. Not a lot of people know this, but Spider-Man went through some sort of phase where he felt like he needed to be cool or something and was trying out all these gimmicks, like getting six arms or a new black costume to look edgy and goth and all sorts of shit. Really, a lot of us hero types felt bad for him. I don't think I've actually told a lot of people this, but I saw him drive his Spider Dune Buggy into the ocean. He had to be drunk, that thing was all over the place. I guess I can respect Moon Knight despite the fact that he owns a jet shaped like a crescent moon, because come on. It's a jet shaped like a crescent moon! It might be a moon shaped vehicle, but at least it's a jet. But seriously though, my Paladin Mobile is just a Porsche 911. Oh what did you expect me to drive, a Civic?

So I get these sacks back to my, ahem, private helicopter, and I've been drinking the entire way. It wasn't like it was celebratory drinks or anything I was just in a lot of pain. Drinking and driving is not cool unless you're doing it to mask intense amounts of pain or because you're also getting a hummer from Jubilee. Hey, screw you too, 17 is the legal age of consent in a lot of states, I know statutory laws, jackass. I defy any red blooded American male to tell me they wouldn't drive well over the speed limit in my badass car while drinking 99 Bananas and getting head from a 17 year old Chinese girl who can make fireworks with her fingers.

Quit getting me off the topic, I'm trying to tell you what happened! All right, do you remember my advice about not flying a private helicopter drunk? Well, here's some better advice: Don't fly your Iron Man armor when you're drunk, Iron Man! Especially when you're drunk! Oh yeah, this was probably my fault, don't sweat it. I mean, I was only flying a helicopter over the ocean, buddy. I can see how it would have been easy to barrel roll into me. Oh yeah, everyone always feels bad for him when he has his helmet on his desk next to a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels, and you see his bloodshot eyes and unshaven face sobbing into his gauntlets about how he has a problem and he needs the love and support of his friends, and boo fucking hoo, but who feels sorry for me when he's blasting the theme to Top Gun and flying right at me, singing along the entire way?

So there I was, screaming in panic, when Iron Man flies right through my propellers. In what happens to be the most miraculous feat of the day, even more so than fighting Absorbing Man, I leap from the helicopter with an inflatable life raft and don't die in the process. I wasn't actually worried about the propeller at this point, seeing as how Iron Man completely obliterated it when he flew through it. And there goes my helicopter, right into the ocean. Look, I'm not all rich like Tony Stark where I own like 300 helicopters and a dozen Iron Man suits. I only own five helicopters and no Iron Man suits. That happened to be favorite helicopter. It had a kick ass CD player, and I left my Boston Greatest Hits CD in there. And it's not like he'll pay for it. On the off chance I actually track him down, he'll just cry at me about his problem. I'll be like "Hey shit head! You just blew up my helicopter and almost killed me." And he'll be all like "Oh God, I have a problem, but with the help and support of friends like you…" and I'll be all like "No, stop crying. You don't get to cry because you're rich bastard who drinks a lot and flies in a robot suit. Buy me a helicopter." And then he'll try to hug me and shit and complain about how bad of a person he is, but this is all just so he doesn't have to buy me a helicopter, not because he's an alcoholic.

So I spent the next three days on a life raft without food or water before the Coast Guard found me. When they asked how I wound up at sea, I told them that Iron Man got drunk and blew up my kick ass ride, and those jerks laughed at me. To be fair, I would have laughed at me too. They could have offered me a blanket and perhaps some food before laughing at me though. Guys, I've lost six pounds and I think I'm dehydrating and I might have hypothermia, think you can help out? As bad as all this was though, it was nothing compared to when I found out who I was actually working for and what losing their package meant for me.

Chapter 4

Paladin arrived home, beaten and exhausted. This past week had not been what he'd consider a highlight, and he knew that it was only a matter of time before he'd have to deal with the consequences of losing this package. He relaxed his body against the glass of the elevator on the way up to his top floor condo, contemplating his next move. He thought to himself that if he was lucky, he might have at least until tomorrow. However, as he swung his front door open and set off his stun gun into the belly of the thug hiding sloppily behind his door, he knew his luck wasn't going to change anytime soon.

"I told him it would never work." The silhouette said lounging lazily, addressing him in a casual, passive tone.

Paladin caught a glimpse of her raven hair, the moonlight made the green tint barely visible, but it wasn't the only quality that gave away her identity to him. Her mild jungle scent, the silky whiteness of her skin as the moon began to illuminate her presence, he knew who it was before he saw her.

"Hello Viper," He said, holstering his gun and flipping on the light switch. There she was, studying him, in control. He caught his eyes locked on her skin tight outwit, green vinyl stretched taut over her fingertips, legs, hips; every inch of her that mattered. He removed his mask and mussed his fingers through his hair making his way to the wet bar. "It's been a long time. Cognac?"

"Baron…" She started.

"…de Lustrac, 1952." He said, finishing her sentence and pouring her glass. "I know."

"You remembered." She said with a grin, accepting the glass.

"I never forgot." He replied, taking a seat next to her. "What brings you here?"

"You made the papers, you know." She said with a sip. "HYDRA usually prefers a bit more discretion with its assignments."

"So you're back with HYDRA? I would have thought you could do better."

"And you did better than I expected. Actually defeating the Absorbing Man, well, I don't admit this often, but I was impressed. I would have thought for certain he would have killed you without a second thought." She said with a bit of mirth. "So, just where is our package?"

"It's somewhere safe." Paladin replied.

"Like the bottom of the ocean?" She asked him with a sideways glance.

Paladin didn't miss a beat as he took his time with a long sip from his wine glass. "I can think of no safer place."

Viper set her glass carefully on the coffee table and slid across the couch. "You have our money. This was important to you. You also have our package. This is important to us. What do we have?"

"An unwavering faith in the man you hired to get the job done?" Paladin guessed.

Viper gently pushed him down into the couch, lounging on top of him. "We have nothing, Mr. Denning," She said, running her finger over his chest. "And we always get…That's not an erection, is it?" She said when she felt something hard jab her in the ribs.

"No, that's my gun." He said nonchalantly. "Hold on. Yup, there's the erection. And those aren't fingernails I feel on my jugular, are they?"

"No." She said, softly and simply.

"So what do you propose we do?" He asked.

"I could kill you." She offered.

"I could kill you." He replied.

Viper studied his eyes for a moment with an emotion that Paladin could not identify. Was it love? Envy? Pity? She kissed him on the lips, deeply and suddenly. "I miss the old days." She said after a moment.

"I know you do."

Viper put away her knives and regained her composure; the cold expression on her face lay in stark contrast to her moment of vulnerability. She stood up and finished her drink with one quick gulp and turned to leave. "30 days, Mr. Denning," She said in the doorway. "You will have what is ours in that time or you will be dead. We will honor our agreement and pay you the remainder of your fee when your end of this bargain is concluded."

"You're going to pay me another million." He said, still lying on the couch, sipping his drink.

"You're hardly in a position to barter." She said, unphased by his remark.

Paladin seemed ready for that response. "And you're hardly in a position to refuse. You're HYDRA; the money is obviously meaningless to you. I also know that if he's worth $750,000 to you then he's also worth double that. Furthermore, you're no longer dealing with a man who was willing to fight him, rather you're dealing with a man who has beaten him, and thus my price goes up. Lastly, if you refuse, then you're no longer a client and there's nothing to stop me from telling my good pals in the Avengers what you're up to. I trust we have a deal?"

Viper sighed with pity and shot him a piercing glance. She spoke sharply but quietly. "30 days, Paul. 30 days."

Chapter 5

You have no idea how hard it is being me. I'll bet you're looking at me right now and just thinking to yourself, "Damn, this cat's got it all! He's got those rugged good looks, an awesome costume, charisma, money, women, and a physique to die for; who wouldn't want to be him?" Well, of course you're right; and I also have the coolest goggles in the business, but there is a darker side to things. I live my life on the edge, but I've got to be smart about things too. When it comes down to it, I've got not only the Absorbing Man to deal with, but HYDRA is riding my ass as well. This one time I bought like, I don't know; something like twenty eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies. Not that I eat cookies, but they make good Christmas gifts. Silver Sable likes the thin mints, go figure. Regardless, I bought all these cookies from a neighbor kid down the hall, but then I was tracking down the guy with a clock on his head and then he zapped me and Gambit back into the middle-ages and I was forced to fight a wizard, and shaving was next to impossible so I grew a beard. Whatever, the entire ordeal was a nightmare. So I get back to the present two and half months later and they have collection agencies trying to collect on me for the cookies and my shit was about to get auctioned off, the works. Just because of some goddamn cookies and her dad was some deputy director in the CIA or something, but still though, those goddamn Girl Scouts were vicious. But yeah, HYDRA is even worse than that.

Did you know Boy Scouts don't offer cookies? Really? Well, that's a story for another time. What I'm trying to get at is that you just can't win some battles by yourself, even if you are as awesome as I am. That's all right though, because I'm a respected member of the Super Hero community. I can't think of anyone that wouldn't help. It's just a matter of deciding who I wanted to let in on this high profile deal with me. The Fantastic Four? The X-Men? The Avengers?

Wrong! You wouldn't believe the shit I had to go through just trying to get a hold of some of these people. I guess Kitty Pryde has some kind of restraining order against me I didn't know about, and Jean Grey got this crazy idea in her head that I've had fantasies about her and me in a threesome with Dead Girl and also that I have crabs, which is just crazy. I mean, for one thing, even if I was thinking about that, which I wasn't, Dead Girl isn't actually dead, it's just a name so that doesn't make it gross. And for another, she's not really a mind reader, so what does she know? And I do not have crabs. I said I do not have crabs, I was just buying that shampoo for a friend of mine and I didn't ask what it was for. It could have been special shampoo for crabs, I just don't…look; the important thing is that the X-Men were out.

I tried the Fantastic Four, which was a complete disaster. The receptionist had me wait in the lobby for like an hour and half because I didn't have an appointment, which I shouldn't need. Hello? Super-Hero here! Just because I can't fly to the top of the Baxter Building doesn't mean I'm any less deserving of talking to these cats. So finally they tell me that Reed Richards had to fly to the Negative Zone, some sort of emergency, Skrull invasion, whatever! No one gives a fuck about little green men from mars; I have real life earth problems to deal with. So Thing finally came down and told me they couldn't help me, and I was all like "What the hell do you mean you can't help me? You're still here!" and then he went off on this thing about how he could technically help me, he just didn't want to. So I was ready to leave it at that and walk away peacefully, but then he laughs that ridiculous laugh that smells like wet dog ass and says "Haw Haw! Maybe you ask the Power Pack to help ya!" And then I said something about his mother having a vagina like Stonehenge. That joke works on so many levels. For one thing, it's a circular rock formation which is the sort of vagina you would expect someone to have if they're passing a baby golem like Thing here. Secondly, no one really knows how old it is or how it came to be the way it is, which by the way, is not a good way to describe a woman's vagina. I think I may have also implied that his mother was Celtic in origin. I stopped paying attention to how clever I was when he started chasing me. So Thing is creating all kind of havoc by chasing me up a crowded New York street, like some kind of retarded kid with retard strength trying to get his ball back. So Spider-Man swings in and I yell at him, "Spider-Man! Thing is on a rampage, thank God you made it!" and he said "No, thank…FIST!" And then he punched me in face. He punched me in the face real, real hard. Spider-Man can be kind of a dick. Even so, 'Thank Fist!' Ha! That Spider-Man is truly the crown prince of super powered comedy, a wit unmatched by anyone. It sure was a great…PUNCH line, eh? Get it? Punch line? Eh? Yeah, fuck you too buddy.

Really, I was getting nowhere fast. I called the Avengers West Coast, and no one answered so I flew up there and do you know what I found? A goddamn Wal-Mart. Jesus, I was a member of that team, you think someone could have told me they were closing it down. I think I had a whole case of CD's in there, I would have liked the chance to pick them up is all I'm saying. The trip wasn't a total wash though, I picked up a packet of razor refills for eight bucks and a bag of those little pizza rolls I like for only a dollar twenty nine. You just don't see that kind of value in a grocery store.

Now, I didn't want to bring this up, but there's a reason I didn't call up the Avengers in the first place. We just don't see eye to eye. Thor is always hitting on me, for one thing. It's always "Forsooth!" this and "Verily!" that and sometimes I get "Have at thee!" and I tell him to keep the Odinson in his cod piece. No matter how times I tell him I don't swing that way, he just doesn't seem to get it. It's got to be a language barrier or just a cultural difference or something, goddamn euro trash. And of course, Iron Man is always blowing my shit up, and that's just awkward no matter how you look at it. How do you have a conversation with a guy when you've hit his car while you were driving drunk? How about if you've flown into his apartment while flying drunk? And finally, there's Captain America, or as I've dubbed him, Sergeant Sparkles the Unicorn Rider. Maybe it's just me, but the last time I checked America happened to be about kicking ass and taking names. Who decided that the living embodiment of our nation's indomitable spirit needed to wear a pastel blue costume with tiny wings on the side of his head? What really burns my ass though is that Captain America is, and I'm at least reasonably sure this is correct, a virgin. Let me give you a little back story. You see, Cap was dating this hot little number named Diamondback. Way too good for him, if you ask me. So she gets all pissed off because he's not giving it to her in the sack. Something about waiting for marriage or something, I don't really know how true it is so don't quote me on it. So she comes to me for that famous Paladin bedroom action. I showed her a trick or two, and the whole time he knows about it. Look, I wasn't even trying to fool the guy, he just wasn't handling his woman right and she thought this would spark some kind of fire under him to get it done. All three of us know what's going on, but instead of doing anything about it he just keeps leaving the room when we're around, getting real pissy over the tiniest things; just overall being a real passive aggressive little bitch. I could have sworn I saw him tear up one time when he was frowning. I imagine that's how he looked when they told him that they cancelled 'Sweet Valley High'. Whatever, we parted ways and I let them work out their differences. The problem is that it's been God knows how long and he still holds it against me. I've helped him fight mother fucking Kang the Immortal for Pete's sake, you think he could let this one go.

So I reluctantly called the Avengers Mansion, because quite frankly I was running out of options. You'll never guess who answered the video phone. Justice. Yeah, from the New Warriors. And right away he gives me grief. He tells me "This is a secured line reserved for priority Avengers business." I told him "Hey Johnny Quest, I have an actual problem here, do you think your dad can get on the phone?" and he started puffing up his chest at me and saying things like "You can't talk to me that way anymore, I'm a full blown Avenger now!" And I told him "Kid, who hasn't been an Avenger? You're on the same team as Tigra and Doctor Druid, are you really proud of that?" I guess princess has a little mouth on her, because he told me "Oh yeah? Well not everyone is good enough to be an Avenger. You're just a reservist!" Now, if I'm going to be taking shit from any member of the New Warriors, it sure as hell isn't going to be goddamn Justice. I knew how to hurt him where it counts. I just stared at him for a moment and finally said "Marvel Boy".

He yelled something about kicking my ass and I said something about Telekinesis being a little girl's power, and finally Captain America got on the line. I'll say it again, that mother fucker is a passive aggressive little bitch. He was all calm and diplomatic, but he kept saying they just couldn't spare the man power to help me. He kept saying things like "Why don't you ask Diamondback to help you? Oh wait, I'm sorry, you can't because she doesn't talk to you that much any more, does she?" I tried to tell him this was HYDRA we were talking about here, this was some heavy shit, but he didn't listen. He kept saying "Hey, if something happens, you'll be sure to let us know, but in the meantime we have to keep ever vigilant for real problems." I swear to God that guy's a douche.

So I was forced to resort to drastic measures. Sure, the big shots may not have wanted to help me, but I still have connections, right? So I called in a lot of favors, gathered every hero I knew into the safest place I could think of, besides the bottom of the ocean, that is. My condo.

Chapter 6

"So what's this all about?" Iron Fist asked as the elevator doors shut, and he hit the button for the top floor.

"I'm not sure," Moon Knight said, sounding annoyed. "I'm just surprised that jerk had the nerve to call us here."

"You know, he's really not that bad. We play Basketball on the weekends sometimes." Iron Fist said with a shrug. "Knowing him though, it must be a real problem for him to call us up. He doesn't really seem to like help."

"Whatever. I'm not helping him." Moon Knight remarked dismissively, looking out the back of the glass elevator. "I'll admit though, this is great place he has, how does he afford it?"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Iron fist remarked, sounding surprised. "He charges for his services. You'd be surprised what the bounty on even a guy like Killer Shrike is."

"What the hell do you mean he charges for his services? We're Super Heroes!"

"Look who you're talking to. I co-founded the 'Heroes for Hire' with Luke Cage. I'm a white man from Harlem and I still charged people when they wanted me to punch Fish-men back into the ocean."

"I expect someone like Luke Cage to charge for services, but I'd expect better of you."

"Wait a minute, is it because he's black? That's so typical of a guy with a white pillow case on his head to say. It's bigots like you that really hold our countries racial diversity down."

Moon Knight looked stunned and disgusted at the same time. "First off: What the hell? I'm no bigot, and fuck you for saying so. My powers are Egyptian in origin, jackass. I'm powered by the Egyptian god of vengeance, is that racially diverse enough for you? And this is a hooded cloak, not a pillow case. And for the record, I only said that because you're a trained, disciplined martial artist and he's a convicted felon and a thug."

"He's a thug just because he's black?"

"What? Jesus, no. Get off that already. The whole point is that I don't see how you charge people to fight crime, it's just not…noble."

"Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that. Honestly, I don't know how you guys like you make a living. Oh what? Like the Moon Jet just runs off the curses of foiled villainy?"

The elevator stopped and the doors opened to reveal a young woman in sweat pants holding her laundry.

"Hello." Iron Fist said after a moment.

"Umm…Are you a Super Hero or a member of the KKK?" She asked Moon Knight.

"Super Hero. Definitely Super." He replied.

"You know, I don't think the answer to that question really mattered. I'll just take the next one, thanks." She said as the doors closed.

Iron Fist tried to contain his laughter. Moon Knight pivoted his head angrily towards him. "What? What the hells so funny?"

"Nothing. Really."

"Good."

Iron Fist was silent for a moment, but finally adopted a deeper voice and said "Definitely Super."

"Oh, oh you think that's funny? You wear neon green spandex with bright yellow slippers and you want to tell me how to talk to women?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact I do. What are you going to do about it, Casper? Burn a cross on my lawn?"

"So who all is coming to this shindig?" Dane Whitman asked Paladin as he made a last minute effort to get his apartment before his guests arrive. He reached for a plate sitting on a coffee table. "Ooh, pizza rolls!"

Paladin slapped his wrist and gave him a stern look. "Those are for the guests, and they're going to be here any minute."

"Since when am I not a guest?" Dane asked, looking a little hurt.

"Since you come over here every damned weekend and you erased my save file in Grand Theft Auto." Paladin retorted, wiping his hands on an apron that he wore over his full costume. "I should really start charging you rent."

The doorbell rang and Dane Whitman suddenly showed a look of extreme panic. "My secret identity! I must summon the power of the Black Knight lest anyone discover my secrets."

"Oh, no you don't! Not in the house!" Paladin shouted and lunged at him, but it was too late. With a roar and a flash of light, Dane Whitman faded away and Black Knight appeared. The doorbell ringed again. "Is everything all right in there?" Came a familiar voice. "The Black Knight is honored to once again serve." He spoke humbly as he knelt.

Paladin convinced himself for one briefly, wonderful moment that the object in the horizon flying directly at his home was the Human Torch or perhaps just a regular guy on fire. The instant that the object crashed through his bay windows however, he knew exactly what it was.

A fire alarm went off. Glass sprayed in every direction. Paladin shrieked like a little girl. "Aragorn, no! Bad horse!" Black Knight said, scolding the flaming winged horse.

"Help! Horse on fire in my house! Horse on fire in my house!" Paladin yelped.

His front door exploded in to reveal Iron Fist and Moon Knight looking initially angry and then genuinely shocked. Paladin had his hands on the side of his head and ran back and forth frantically; a curtain was on fire. "Holy shit!" Iron Fist yelled.

"Out of the way idiot!" Moon Knight yelled, pushing his way past Iron Fist and running for the kitchen. He reached under the counter and retrieved a small bucket, which he began filling with water in the sink.

"I'll handle this!" Iron Fist shouted, charging the horse, his fist becoming solid iron as he did.

"No!" Black Knight shouted, tackling him. "What are you, a crazy person?"

"Get this god damn horse outside!" Paladin screamed; beating his flaming curtain as Moon Knight dumped the bucket of water half on him and half on the flaming mess.

Black Knight got to his feet and escorted the horse outside, where it hovered outside his apartment. "Stay!" He commanded, scolding the hurt looking horse. "Aw, I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean it." Turning back to Paladin, he offered an apology. "Listen, I'm really sorry, he knows he's not allowed inside."

"Fuck sorry!" Paladin shouted, looking at the mess that was caused. "My security deposit!"

"Could you not yell so loud? It upsets the horse." Black Knight said in a hushed tone.

"Oh…my god." Came the feminine voice from the doorway. "What in the world happened here?" Wasp dropped the small bag of groceries she was holding and looked around to see Iron Fist lying on floor, gasping for air. Moon Knight was holding a bucket, just standing there. There were signs of a crash and singe marks on the carpet. And just beyond Paladin and Black Knight shouting at each other, was a flaming, flying horse.

"Oh, hello Janet." Paladin said, trying to regain his composure. "So glad you could make it."

"Is everyone all right?" She asked with an incredible amount of concern on her face.

"Ca…can't breathe…" Iron Fist wheezed from the ground, his chest heaving.

"Well no shit," Moon Knight said dropping the bucket. "He's wearing like 150 pounds worth of armor and he tackled you in the gut."

"Easy Danny, up you go." Wasp said to him, helping him to his feet.

"My apologies friend, but you should not have attempted to strike my steed." Black Knight said to him.

"What the fuck man?" Paladin exclaimed. "You could have really hurt him. That's how Houdini died, you know."

"Let it go." Iron Fist said after a moment to Paladin, still huffing pretty hard but back on his feet. "I should have known better than to try and punch his horse."

"All right, fine," Paladin said. "But can I at least get some help cleaning up this place?"

About half an hour later, the apartment was filled with heroes, twelve in all, as Paladin stood before them prepared to make a speech. As he looked about the room, he actually began to feel hopeful that he could defeat Absorbing Man, stick it to HYDRA, and probably even still get paid. With this many heroes, he couldn't think of anything he couldn't overcome. Sure, they might not be the Avengers or the X-Men, but they would do.

"I'd like to thank you all again for coming in my hour of need," Paladin began. "Yes Speedball?" Paladin said acknowledging the youth with his hand in the air.

"Yes, I was told Jubilee would be coming. Do you know when she'll be here?" Speedball asked.

"Jubilee will not be attending, I'm sorry to say." Paladin said, continuing. "Now if we could…"

"What do you mean she's not coming?" Speedball said, getting upset. His hair began to rise and float, tiny spheres began to hover over his body. "I came all the way up here from Queens because I was told I'd get to team up with her, and now she's not here? Idon'thavethatkindoftimeit'snotlikethesecoldasspiz zarollsaredoinganythingformeandnowshe'snothereIhav ehalfamindto…"

There was the sound of a shot and a thump on the hardwood floor as Speedball collapsed on the ground. A few quite gasps uneasily filled the room. Paladin holstered his gun and looked around innocently. "What?" He asked. "It was set to stun, you all know what he can get like."

"Aye." Said Hercules from the back. "Tis a sight born of madness. O' what chaos is wrought when the lad's ire is foolishly invoked."

The stares turned toward Hercules until Paladin, his mouth agape, finally spoke. "What the hell are you talking about you crazy mythological Greek figure?" He asked slowly and deliberately.

Hercules looked at the ground in shame before storming out. "You can all go fuck thy selves!" He shouted as he slammed the door, cracking its frame and knocked a picture frame to floor.

"I'm sorry you all had to witness that." Paladin started again. "Pizza roll? Anyone? No? Well, what do you all say we start off with introductions? Who wants to start? Iron Fist, how about you?"

Iron Fist put down his beverage and cleared his throat. "Well, I'm Iron Fist, and um…Well, you see I'm Iron Fist and I'm my hobbies include martial arts, adventuring, and bowling. My partner is Luke Cage, but he's been pretty busy lately with his girlfriend and all, so he's not here today." He said, pausing. "Is that good, do you want me to go on?" He asked.

"No, I think that's good. Who else?" Paladin asked.

"Hello, everybody." The young redhead in the bright red spandex said, waving her hand to greet the group. "I'm Firestar, and I'm here because I've been, just God! I've been so bored lately, you know? And I've been engaged for four months now, and my fiancé, you know, Justice? From the Avengers? It's like he treats me like child now that we're together, and we haven't slept together in like a month and a half, which is just bullshit." She said, rambling on.

"Wait," Paladin interrupted. "Justice is engaged to a hot ass chick like you? I could have sworn he was gay."

"You know," Firestar mused. "He just might be! That could totally be it. I mean the other day we had a conversation about the color of our drapes, and he was throwing a fit because they were supposed to have a copper puce tint and he swore it was burgundy, and thank you so much for saying I'm hot! I mean, God, just look at me! I'm a whale all of a sudden, I don't think I've ran in a week, seriously…"

"Oh for crying out loud, will you just shut up?" Wasp cried out exasperated. "This is going to take all night if we keep this up, we all know each other, and for the record do you even have any powers?" She asked Firestar.

"FYI I emit bursts of microwave energy!" Firestar said, sticking her tongue out at Wasp.

"Uh, beg pardon?" Iron Fist "Did you say 'Microwave' energy?"

"Yeah, why?" Firestar replied as all the males in the room took one large, simultaneous step backwards.

"Enough of this!" Wasp yelled, getting everyone's attention. "On the off chance you haven't seen the person next to you in the newspaper, I'm going to go around the room and tell the rest of the room who you are. Moon Knight, Firestar, Iron Fist, Strong Guy, Black Knight, Silver Sable, Shatterstar, Howard the Duck and his girlfriend Beverly, that's Speedball on the floor, I'm Wasp, and here's Paladin."

"Thank you. I'll get to the point," Paladin began.

"Oh really? You'd do that for us?" Howard asked.

"What have I told you Howard? No smoking in the house." Paladin chastised. "Listen, I know this seems like a motley crew, but I desperately need your help, all of you. I recently defeated Absorbing Man, but he managed to escape before I could turn him in. HYDRA is after him too, and if I don't find him soon, they're going to kill me."

"Isn't HYDRA the group with the yellow biohazard suits who hangs out with that floating head?" Iron Fist asked.

"No, you're thinking of AIM, and that floating head is M.O.D.O.K." Paladin corrected.

"Then who are those half-man half-snake people?" Firestar asked.

"You're close, but that's the Serpent Society." Paladin remarked.

"Are they led by a former New York cop who ratted out dirty cops?" Iron Fist asked.

"No, that's Serpico." Paladin replied with a perplexed look on his face. "Wait, what?"

"I know, I was just kidding." Iron Fist said, giving him the thumbs up.

"Wait, I thought those guys were led by a bunch of old Nazi's?" Moon Knight chimed in.

"No, that would be the Masters of Evil. HYDRA are the international terrorist guys in the green outfits that are kind of like snake people except they're just regular people dressed like snake people would be dressed if they weren't part of the Serpent Society." Paladin said to him before pausing to take a deep breath. "So moving on…"

"What about the circus people who hypnotize the audience and then rob everyone?" Black Knight asked.

"Jesus Dane, I just told you who HYDRA was, how you could you possibly confuse them with the Circus of Crime?" Paladin asked, growing visibly upset.

"Dude!" Black Knight said, in hush. "My identity is a secret!"

"Christ! This is serious people; HYDRA is going to kill me! Their name doesn't matter as much as the fact that they're a terrorist organization with nearly unlimited resources and global connections! I need you to come to the aid of a fellow hero in his time of need! Who's with me?" He shouted, raising a fist in the air.

Almost immediately, nearly everyone left. Paladin tried pleading with everyone as they passed him by, but to no avail. Nearly everyone was intent on leaving and not looking back.

"Fight HYDRA? Fuck that." Shatterstar said on his way out.

"For real." Strong Guy said. "You up for Pancakes?"

"Sable, come on! I help you all the time!" Paladin cried.

"Yeah, and I pay you." She said, brushing past him. "Besides, the Wild Pack and HYDRA have a deal right now not to get in each others business and that deal is more important than your life. Sorry."

"Come on toots, let's blow this pop stand!" Howard said taking hold of Beverly's hand as he popped a cigar into his mouth.

"Howard, come on…"

"Quack!" Howard yelled at him, making him jump back.

Firestar began to sheepishly walk out past Paladin, much to his chagrin. "Oh come on Firestar, not you too!"

"I don't know," She said putting on her coat. "I mean, I would like an adventure and all, but I think the healthy thing for my relationship is just to get counseling or something. Maybe we could talk to Captain America; he's really good with feelings."

Paladin looked around his nearly empty apartment in shock and dismay, realizing how little their number became. "Well, who do we have left?" He asked. "My real friends, it seems. Iron Fist, very good of you to stay." He said shaking his hand.

"Black Knight, friends till the end, eh?" He said with a grin.

"I didn't know you knew Howard the Duck."

"Oh yeah, he's a great guy. I once helped him fight a guy made out of cabbage."

Paladin moved on to the woman who always seemed to be there for when he truly needed her. "Wasp, I could always count on you, I hope you've known you can always count on me." He said, looking around the room. "Hey, where's Moon Knight? I didn't see him leave."

Moon Knight peeked his head in the window upside down from outside the apartment. "Bitch!" He yelled, vanishing again as suddenly as he appeared.

"Hey!" Paladin retorted pitifully. "That hurts."

"I have to be an idiot to be staying here." Wasp said with a sigh. "You're only going to get me killed."

"Don't worry babe," Paladin said, lifting her chin with a gentle hand. "I am the man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of. No wait, that's Peter Cetera."

Wasp giggled slightly at this until Black Knight burst into song. "Like a knight in shining armor! From a long time ago!"

"You just never know when to let a joke go, do you?" Paladin lectured. "You just keep pushing until everyone is uncomfortable, don't you?"

"Jeez, sorry." Black Knight offered.

"All right everyone; I'm not very good at the leader thing. I am however, kind of good at the spy thing. I've done some checking around, and I've come across several villains who may have information as to where we can find Absorbing Man and why HYDRA is after him. Like I said, I'm not going to just tell you who to go after, so I put the names in a hat. We reach in, pull out a name, and that's who we target."

"There are a lot of pieces of paper in there. There are only four of us." Iron Fist observed.

"Shut up." Paladin said simply.

"This seems stupid." Black Knight complained. "Why don't we just fight villains based on our strengths and weaknesses?"

"You don't even get to start with me today, you hear me?" Paladin said, pointing an accusing finger.

Paladin passed around the hat, one by one, and finally he reached in the hat himself. "Does everyone have a name?" Paladin asked, holding up his own piece of paper. "All right, who did everyone pull?"

"I've got Unus the Untouchable." Iron Fist said, and added. "God dammit."

"Silver Samurai." Black Knight said.

"Ooh, lucky! Want to trade?" Iron Fist offered.

"No trading!" Paladin snapped.

"I've got Shocker. Should be a piece of cake." Wasp said.

Paladin unfolded his piece of paper. "And I've got…aw shit."

"What is it? Who did you get?" Wasp asked him, worry growing on her face.

Paladin swallowed hard. "Anyone want to trade?"

Chapter 7

Seriously, who's going to mess with us? Iron Fist is a master of the martial arts and he can turn his fist into solid iron. His punch is explosive and devastating. Black Knight is a direct descendant of…someone, I'm not entirely sure who. I think it was King Arthur or something, but he has that cool thing where he's covered in armor and gets that sword that looks like it weighs 80 pounds. I've seen it cleave a car in half. Like a Ford. Anyhow, Wasp is a founding member of and the former leader of the Avengers, and that's not something that comes easy. Moon Knight called me a bitch, which was just mean. I'm not a bitch. I'm Paladin, and I round out this awesome team as the leader. I've hunted down more bounties than most people. I've taken on people with the power to level cities and lived. I've stopped the Absorbing Man, hell I embarrassed him and I was ready to do it again.

Now, the problem with adults is that you're supposed to be able to trust them to accomplish the tasks they say they're going to. Take Iron Fist for example. He's got a good head on his shoulders, he really does. He's disciplined, he's a veteran, and he's good in a pinch. Now he's up against a born loser from way back. Unus the Untouchable has the sole power of being unable to be touched. He's a grown up version of the bubble boy. He literally has a bubble around him. There are a lot of things that don't make even a little bit of sense in this world. I'll be the first to admit that. There's only so many time your can a woman with snakes for arms or a Minotaur or a guy who is actually made of an ethereal flame before you stop questioning things. Spider-Man can stick to walls? Sure, fuck it. Mr. Fantastic can stretch his body to near infinite mass? Why not? Invisible Woman can turn invisible and yet not become completely blind despite the fact that no light is actually bouncing off the retinas of her eyes and is instead harmlessly passing through? Hey, Mozel Tov. Bishop can channel kinetic energy and focus it as a blast of energy? If I was a scientist or even just a guy who paid attention to science in high school, I could list a thousand reasons why that and almost every super power on the planet does not even begin to make sense. Now though, I just say "Hey, what's your power? Kinetic energy, photons, gamma rays; yeah, whatever. You don't have to explain yourself to me buddy, you've got spandex."

Now I say that and I think it's a good credo to live by, but Unus still makes not a damn bit of sense to me. The way I understand it, you can't shoot him or punch him or any of that nonsense, and yet light and air seem to get in. How the fuck does the dude eat? How does he change his clothes? How does he take a leak? God forbid the man has claustrophobia. I don't hate the guy; he's trapped in his own personal hellish prison! He was wearing red spandex one day, his powers kicked in and boom! That was it. That is what you are wearing for the rest of your life! That's the haircut that you get to have forever! So Iron Fist needs to get information out of this guy, and what does he do? He punches him into the ocean. I wish I was kidding. I wish to God I was kidding, but I'm not. No sympathy for this sad son of a bitch, he just starts punching him. Obviously that wasn't working, so he uses his iron fist, and uppercuts the guy through the roof of the bar he was in and sends him soaring two miles away into the ocean! How exactly is he supposed to talk on the bottom of the ocean? I mean, I heard Namor can do that, but how useful is that really? I don't think sound travels underwater as good and wait. Sorry, the science is talking again, I forgot. La la la! Gamma rays or something, la la la!

And then there's Wasp, god bless her. Her powers are, well, let's be honest. They're useless. She can get really small. Like the size of a Wasp. I've thought a lot about this, and she's a woman. Shut up, that's not what I meant; of course she's a woman. I mean, why would she choose the name Wasp? It's not like Bee was taken. In fact, I still don't think Bee is taken. Maybe Queen Bee is taken, who can be sure, but a wasp is just a nasty little critter. If she was a villain, I'd be the first in line to congratulate her on her choice. But there are so many things that are size, why did she go with a wasp? I like Bee or maybe Firefly or even a variation of Bee, like Bumble or Honey or something. Maybe she just wanted to be taken seriously. I'm not complaining though, I still have pictures of with that costume with the "W" shaped cleavage. Holy balls that was hot.

So she's going after Shocker, a guy who I don't know, shocks things I guess. His costume looks like a giant rug my grandmother used to have, so I always used to assume that his awesome power came from shuffling his feet for half an hour before he tried to rob a bank or something. "Hey hold it right there or I'll…!" and then he'd touch them and they'd be all like "Ow, jerk. What the hell, that really shocked…oh, I get it!" They'd laugh and laugh until finally he killed them by grabbing them by the head with both hands. So Wasp is going to get information out of this dude, and how do you think she beats him? She shrinks to the size of a wasp, right? And she flies into the folds of his suit, do you follow? And then get this: she expands to her normal size. My hand literally hit my forehead the second I heard this. His suit completely ruptured and shorted out, knocking the both of them unconscious. She was released from the hospital later on, you'll be happy to know.

What makes this even funnier is that the only one of those three that managed to get any information at all was Black Knight. It turns out that he sat down with Silver Samurai and talked about honor and feelings and ponies and mascara and God only knows what else and after a pillow fight he was more than happy to help. And oh yeah, I think he plowed through like 50 ninjas or something. Which I guess is cool, but come on, they're just ninjas. It's not like what I had to deal with me. What did I have to deal with you ask? Well, I had to deal with the Constrictor.

Chapter 8

A large crowd of hipsters and club hoppers lined the sidewalk in front of the trendy night club. Men and women alike waited behind a velvet rope; a single mountain of a man with a gut that weighed more than half of the people in line kept them at bay with a nothing more than a tight security t-shirt and a clipboard. Even still, every head turned when a purple Porsche 911 stopped with a screech in front of them and a figure with purple Kevlar, purple gloves, and a purple mask stepped out. Paladin thought he heard the word Super-Hero uttered by a few people. In fact, he was certain of it.

He looked up to the sign on the club, which read "Garrote" and wondered to himself how this was not a gay bar.

A thin, goateed valet admired his vehicle and said, "Wow, nice car mister!"

"Keep it kid." Paladin said, tossing him the keys.

"Really?" The youth asked wide eyed.

"What? No, of course not," Paladin responded bewildered. "It's a Porsche idiot, you can't really have it; you can just park it. And do not scratch it or I'll have your ass."

Paladin strode to the front of line, ignoring the stares of the people he was cutting in front of and walked directly to the bouncer.

"Name?" The bouncer asked plainly.

"Paladin," He responded. "You've probably heard of me, I'm pretty…"

"Sorry," The bouncer replied without breaking his gaze. "You're not on the list."

Paladin pulled out a one hundred dollar bill and held it in front of him. "Am I on the list now?"

The bouncer snatched the bill away and put it in his pocket. "No. We don't allow costumes in here."

Paladin looked down at the bouncer's hand which now rested threateningly on his shoulder. "Aw, come on man." He said with a grin. "I really need to get in." He suddenly twisted the man's wrist and lifted a sharp knee into his solar plexus, sending the large man to the ground in a heap. "Oh man, do you get it? Need? It sounds like knee, but with a duh at the end. I knee duh to get in. Oh man, I'm hilarious!"

Some of the crowd stopped to check on the bouncer as gasped for air while Paladin strode confidently into the club. Music blasted him as soon as he entered through the doors and he focused on the task at hand: Finding a bathroom. He wasn't lying; he really did need to get in there. When you're wearing a full spandex and Kevlar suit and you've had six beers on the way over while you're stuck in traffic, you don't just want a bathroom, you need one. He was also here to get some information from Constrictor, but who can fight a super villain on a full bladder?

He hurried into the bathroom and found a stall just in the nick of time, and as a he stood relieving himself of the pressure and liquid in his bowels, he failed to notice the bathroom emptied of other people as a dozen men in black suits filled the area behind him. He just stood there, his entire body feeling lighter as a mighty stream of hot relief made it's exodus from his body. His euphoria was interrupted by the gruff sound of an angry professional giving him an order.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The voice said.

"Can't I at least finish?" Paladin pleaded.

"Well, all right." The voice said. "But you don't have like a tiny gun you're getting ready or anything like that, right?"

"No, I'm just going to the bathroom." Paladin remarked.

Everyone waited in awkward silence while Paladin tried to finish his business. "It's hard for me to go while hired muscle is watching me." He said.

"Could it be that you're just finished and you're stalling?"

"Well, I guess." Paladin replied, shaking his legs and zipping up.

"It's time to go." The man said, motioning towards the door.

"Can't I wash my hands at least?" Paladin asked.

"No, soap costs money. Let's go."

"Can't I just fight you guys instead?" Paladin asked again.

"That depends, do you have any powers?" The man responded suspiciously.

"No, but if I did do you really think I'd be trying to ask for your permission to wash my hands after I took a piss?" Paladin countered.

"Good point, but if you don't have any powers, then why are you wearing a costume?" The man offered.

"Oh what, like you need to have powers to wear a costume?" Paladin replied.

"So, are we going to fight or what?" One of the men asked from the back.

"We were fighting a battle in our minds." The man said, offering the other man instruction. "It's very Zen."

"I'm going to punch you now." Paladin said, balling a fist.

"What?" He asked, looking up just in time to see a fist bearing down on his face. Blood sprayed from his nose as he fell back into the wall. The entire group charged him as Paladin became a flurry of fists. One man caught him across the jaw with a right cross and sent him reeling into a stall. Paladin kicked the stall door off its hinges and into three men standing behind it. He bounded out of the stall and grabbed the nearest guy by the shirt and dragged him back in and slammed his head into the toilet and flushed. He suddenly felt himself dragged back out by several pairs of hands. Three men rained down punches on his body and face as he made a guard in front of his face. The armor absorbed much of the damage, but his head was largely unprotected. The man in the middle scored a straight hit to his nose, and Paladin responded with the exact same, knocking him back into the stall. As the two men on either side of him looked back, Paladin grabbed them by their ties and slammed their heads together.

He turned his attention to the remaining men that were headed his way. With a grunt, he performed a magnificent feat of strength by lifting the solid marble bathroom door and slammed it straight down at the six or so people that were charging him. He began to pant, trying to catch his breath. He lifted his goggles up, and looked around. The place was a wreck; everyone around him was worse. He wiped the blood from his nose and felt the bruise on the side of his face. Suddenly the door opened up and a small balding man in thick glasses looked around in awe. "What the fuck happened here?" He asked, looking up at Paladin. Then suddenly, his face filled with the fear of God as he recognized the man in purple standing before him.

Paladin recognized him too. Frank Schlichting, the Constrictor was standing right in front of him, just about ready to piss himself. Only he was wearing a bad suit and not the bullet proof armor that can strangle anything living with two tentacles and send 50,000 volts of electricity into it. Neither man could quite believe what they were seeing. "Oh shi…" Frank said, tearing out of there.

"Get back here!" Paladin shouted, bursting through the door and after Frank. "I just want to talk!"

Frank threw glasses and beer bottles from bar and from patrons in his attempt to escape the pursuing bounty hunter. Paladin knocked over everyone in his path, when he noticed Frank rush past a guard and up a flight of stairs into an office. The guard looked stunned for the moment at what was going on, and turned back just in time to see Paladin smashing a bottle of beer over his head. He rushed up the stairs and burst into the room, and felt a sharp pain on his forehead. He looked down to see that Frank had thrown an iron at him. "Jesus!" Paladin shouted, feeling the wound on his head. "What is this, an iron? What the hell do you have an iron in here for? For ironing?"

"The key, I've got to the find the key!" Frank mumbled to himself, frantically trying to fit a key into a locker.

Paladin marched towards him, trying to pry him off the locker. "No!" Frank shouted, just as he opened the locker and the Constrictor suit came pouring out in a heap. Paladin pulled him across the length of the room, raking him over a desk and sending his computer monitor and notes to the ground in a heap. He grabbed him by the shirt and pressed him up against the wall, hard. Paladin stared him in the eyes, blood dripping at a steady pace from his eyelid. "I…am going…to kick… your... ass."

Paladin then threw a volley of punches into his stomach, yelling at him the entire time. "What do you know, Frank? Where is the Absorbing Man?"

"I don't know!" Frank cried out.

"Yes you do, Frank!" Paladin yelled, dragging him over to the locker and slamming his head into it. "Why does HYDRA want him? Why did they hire me to get him?"

"Please!" Frank pleaded.

"Sure thing." Paladin said, slamming his head in it again.

Paladin propped him into a chair, and grabbed his pinky finger. "Now Frank, now!"

"I don't…" He started, just as Paladin snapped it backwards, giving it a sickening crack.

Frank cried out as Paladin forced him to the ground. He grabbed one of the tentacles from the suit and began to force it into Frank's mouth. "Start talking!" He yelled as Frank began to gag. "All right…" Frank managed to get out, when his eyes went wide with disbelief as he looked past Paladin.

"That's enough." Paladin heard from behind him. It was a strong, commanding voice that he'd heard more than once before. Paladin stood up and turned around to face the man who thought he could give him orders.

"We'll take it from here, Pal." Captain America said boldly.

---------------------

The club was now empty as S.H.I.E.L.D. agents began to round everything up and had cleared the room of people. Captain America and Paladin sat next to each other at the bar with a bottle of whisky in front of them. "This is bullshit." Paladin said bluntly. "I thought you didn't care."

"I don't," Captain America said. "This was S.H.I.E.L.D. business."

"You expect me to believe that?" Paladin asked, pouring two shots. "Since when does S.H.I.E.L.D. care about an asshole like Constrictor? Something is up, what do you know? What was Constrictor about to tell me that you couldn't let me hear?"

"You know I can't tell you."

"What the hell is your problem with me?" Paladin demanded.

"I'll make sure you get your bounty. Your government thanks you for your co-operation in this matter." Cap said, standing up.

"Being a dick to me isn't going to bring her back to you, you know." Paladin said suddenly, freezing Captain America in his tracks.

Cap turned on his heels and looked at Paladin. "Excuse me?" He asked.

Paladin stood up, took his shot, and stared at him. "Diamondback. She's moved on man, you need to…" But he was cut off as he folded to the ground in a heap.

Captain America shook the stinging out of his fist and pointed a threatening finger at him. "Don't say her name." He said sharply. You don't ever say her name again or I swear before God I will snap your neck."

"Yeah?" Paladin asked, getting to his feet and rubbing the blood from his lip. "Suppose I never talk about her again, then what? You kick my ass every time I bring up some chick you were too afraid to tell that you had a crush on? Are you going to tell Wasp we can't play on the swing set anymore? No, maybe you'll just get your buddies to come kick my ass for you; that's how you operate isn't it?"

Captain America made a fist and held it up near Paladin. His arm quivered as he tried to decide on whether or not to swing.

"Go ahead man," Paladin said simply. "If you think it's what Diamondback would want."

Captain America dropped his fists and stepped backward. "You're trash, Paladin. You're what's wrong with this country today. People like you who think you know everything and don't give a damn about direction and diplomacy. People who can just say whatever the hell they want and everyone else be damned."

"Yeah?" Paladin said walking past him and grabbing his car keys off the rack. "You just might be right."

Chapter 9

I'm going to tell you something you probably don't know. Most super heroes are raging alcoholics. All right, yeah, so we might happen to be in a bar, right, but it goes well beyond that. Have you ever saved the world? No, you haven't. You are never going to save the world. I can say this with certainty. No offense is intended by that remark, but the best you can ever hope for is maybe saving a child from a burning building or being a great activist for human rights or some shit. Even the odds of this happening are astronomical. No, I'm talking about going to the Negative Zone and fighting shape shifters. I'm talking about fighting mystic villains on the astral plane who want to usurp reality. I'm talking about seeing things with your own two eyes which, if there's a God, should not exist. The kinds of things that make people go mad and live out their lives in asylums. And we face them down all the time. I honestly don't know how anyone can believe in God when a force of nature can just show up and claim to want to eat the planet. Well, I take that back. I guess when you live in a world where a force of nature can just show up and claim to want to eat the planet you might have to believe in God just to have the guts to step out of your front door in the morning.

And don't think for one moment that everyone is fearless. If you're fearless then you're either insane or retarded. Yes, there is the matter of being heroic, but the simple fact of the matter is that if you are going mano a mano with a guy who can make the room explode just by wishing it so, there's something more to your job than simple heroics. There are mental issues involved. And this is why I drink. I have never trusted any super hero who didn't drink. "Hey Paladin, I just faced down a 50 foot tall talking squid monster, want to go bowling?" Hell no! Get the fuck out of here you cheerful bastard. If that was me, I would be crying into my pillow for a week, how in the hell are you smiling about that? That kind of shit should not be normal to you.

So there we were, back in my condo, and we were getting about as hammered as you can imagine. The four of us just sitting around my place; trying to suck down as much alcohol as we could without slipping into a coma. I know I've never had you over, but I have enough booze for a dozen super heroes.

Wasp suggested we call ourselves the Fantastic Four. Her explanation was pretty reasonable too, seeing as how there were in fact four of us there. It was an admirable attempt to name us, but she had to know the name was taken by forces far more egotistical than us. Iron Fist suggested we call ourselves the Fantastic Five just in case Moon Knight came back. Black Knight showed an uncanny amount of soul for a man of British ancestry when he said "Fuck that Cracka! I will slap his Egyptian momma what he ever shows his, uh, face around…he's a Cracka!" In his defense, we were all pretty drunk. In all seriousness, I don't know where he learns his racial epithets. It's not like he really ventures out in the real world all that often.

And that's when we all shared what we knew. My information wasn't incredibly relative by any means. All I managed to learn by that point was that Captain America and his spooks knew what was going on and didn't want me to find out. Iron Fist learned that if he punches a man with an invisible force field around his body, he can send him into the ionosphere. Wasp learned that Shocker's pants do in fact have the ability to explode. We all pretty much learned that we suck at getting information from super villains. Except the Black Knight, that was something else.

So he goes to Los Angeles, and of course they see him coming from a mile away. He lands on the grounds of this estate, and it's just fucking ninjas everywhere. We're talking about a ninja infestation. So he's fighting them off, his horse is setting them on fire, which I would have loved to see; considering what it did to my drapes I can only imagine what it would do to a ninja. And then, out of no where, it's the Silver Samurai. The guy would otherwise be a joke if not for his immense wealth and power, not to mention the fact that he teleports by swinging his sword and tearing a hole in reality. There are just some things that even I have to admit are badass. That's almost like punching a guy into next week, literally. It's just a little too surreal for my tastes.

Anyway, there's Black Knight and Silver Samurai, and they are totally ready to throw down, when Black Knight goes all diplomatic and just casually explains why he's there. Then instead of gutting his punk ass, these two lovebirds just walk inside and share a cup of tea and work out their differences by talking to each other. And I'm the furthest thing from homophobic, but that's just gay. There is no other word for it. What kind of gay bullshit is that? Whenever I tell someone "I don't really want to have to fight you." I have never once meant it. What I'm really saying is "I want to break things over your face that aren't meant to be broken on faces." That whole not wanting to fight thing is supposed to be a taunt, it's not supposed to work. If I told someone I didn't want to fight him and then he backed down, I would have to call him a bitch until he got up and took a swing at me. I would imply that his girlfriend was less than aesthetically pleasing and that his car was not as masculine as he may have believed it to be. I would do this all night before I sat down with a guy I was about to fight and talk about my feelings.

But whatever, maybe he had the right approach. I mean, we beat the unholy shit out of three dangerous villains and all we got were sore knuckles. He talked with this silver guy and it turns out that HYDRA was a little less than honorable in their dealings. He was all too quick to tell us where they were located, what they were up to; the works. The one thing he didn't know was why they were so hell bent on capturing Absorbing Man. The best that anyone could figure, that chump made a deal with HYDRA and was stupid enough to back out. It would fit his profile, and really, why else would they want him so badly? It still didn't explain why Captain America was so interested, but there wasn't much I could do about that at this point.

So here's the deal: You're sitting around with three other drunk-ass super heroes and your life is on the line. The people that are going to kill you are a clandestine international terrorist organization filled with fanatics and super villains. You have their address and a helicopter. You tell me what you would do.

So there we were, flying towards this gigantic structure out somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and we're being trailed by a knight in shining armor riding a flaming horse. I guess we weren't exactly going the stealth route because when we arrived, a surface to air missile came screaming our way and I think Iron Fist peed on my seat. So Wasp in true heroic fashion shrinks to the size of an insect and flies out of there. So we're going down, and I can't believe it. This was my second favorite helicopter! This is why I can't have nice things!

Regardless, the helicopter is spinning madly and is on fire, and the runway is filling with these idiots in green jumpsuits. What did I tell you? Fanatics, man. Fanatics. Any sane person sees a helicopter coming down for a crash landing right where they're standing; they flee for their lives because holy shit! A helicopter is going to crash into us! Not these jerks. They just stood there yelling "Hail Hydra! Hail Hydra!" And then I think I heard them yelling "Yeeearrrrrggghhh!" and "Oh God it burns!" and at least one instance of "I regret nothing!"

So we manage to land somehow with a complete lack of injuries, and it is instantly a fight for our lives. And as I'm shooting people, vying for position, and generally just trying to keep alive, I can't help but think about what a horrible mistake coming here probably was. And that is when for the first time since we landed that I notice Iron Fist. Now, I'd always heard he was a little crazy in a fight, but I'm telling you, I'd never seen anything like this. The nice, joking guy was gone. In his place was a creature of boundless rage. I mean shit, I was kind of afraid to be there and I was on his side. He had kind of a twitch about him, and was an absolute flurry of punches and kicks, not trying to get away from the hoard but rather rushing into it. The guy was a goddamn maniac. And just as I think he's in over his head and there are just too many men for him to fight, I hear a horrible, unearthly explosion and HYDRA agents just go soaring in all directions. And in the middle of the entire mess is Iron Fist, his hand smoking, and a large portion of the ground he was just standing on is gone. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like he was clutching a hand grenade and squeezed the explosion out of it. And no less than a couple seconds after this happened; he leapt right back into the fray.

I don't know how to even really begin to describe this madness to you. What appeared to be endless troops just kept coming and coming. I began fighting my way up a small pillar just to gain some kind of ground. My gun was just about of charges, and there were still more foot soldiers than we were prepared to deal with. I took a step and made a leap of faith towards the mouth of the cave. I managed to catch hold of a piece of railing, but it almost immediately snapped under my weight. So as I was dropping I unleashed a fearsome kick into the face of maniacal terrorist. All right so I landed ass first on the head of a dude in a baggy jumpsuit. Either way I cracked his jaw, so it's a victory in my book. So anyway, I rush this dude at the control panel and just about knock his block off with that piece of railing I grabbed. I yelled for everyone to get over here and activated the controls for the door. Iron Fist cut an obvious path through those hapless jerks, Wasp just zoomed right in, and Black Knight abandoned his steed and dove right in. A pretty finite amount of them made it through with us, so it was pretty easy pickings at that point. With everyone down, we took a moment to collect our thoughts and catch our breath. It's always funny to me how quickly a crowd will turn on you when an idea goes south. No one seemed to mind coming to my place and drinking my booze and laughing at what a good idea it would be to fly my helicopter to a HYDRA base, but you happen to get shot down and have to fight your way through sixty or seventy HYDRA and everyone acts like it's your fault. Even Iron Fist pulled that shit where he kind of shoved my shoulder because his sash was torn. Because his sash was torn! At this point I have at least a cracked rib and he's complaining about his sash.

So at this point we're effectively stuck. We're at the entrance of a HYDRA island facility, and all that stands between us and several dozen angry HYDRA goons is two feet of solid steel. In the other direction, we have…a corridor. Now, our options are to proceed down the corridor or not proceed down the corridor. You would think it wouldn't require a lot of leadership here. I mean, the options are pretty limited. But somehow we managed to disagree on this one. I for one suggested we build camp and start a new civilization at this section of the corridor where it was clearly safe. We could learn how to farm and grow corn from the natives and make clothing from their skin when they outlived their usefulness. It seemed unanimous though, that we should proceed down the corridor. I raised the point that almost nothing ever good comes from proceeding down the corridor. We all know what's going to happen: Possible booby traps, shocking discovery, a super villain whoops our asses, and other such hullabaloo. There was no reasoning with this people, so down the corridor we went.

Sure enough, what did we find? We found M.O.D.O.K. You know who I'm talking about, the giant head that sits in the floating chair? The living example that God hates us and wants us to suffer for his amusement? Mental Organism Designed Only for Knitting? I mean Killing? Yeah, I'm not sure if you know this or not, but he is way out of our league. At this point I am full prepared to let him keep working with his Bunsen burners and his atom smashers and what have you, when Black Knight decides it's a good idea to call him out. I keep telling him that just because someone is a bad guy, that does not mean we need to fight him. I keep hoping he'll understand that one day. That day however, righteous indignation won out over common sense.

So there he was, yelling something about justice or about how he would end his tyranny or whatever, and M.O.D.O.K. totally slams him through the wall with a mind bolt. Remember what I was saying earlier about fighting people that could pull some outrageous shit? This is one of those guys. He just put a man filled with mystical armor through a fucking wall by thinking about it. He made his thoughts into a solid beam of energy and slammed this guy through a wall. Now, I might not be a giant floating angry head, but I don't understand how that is possible.

After my initial shock, I kind of elbowed Iron Fist and told him "Be cool man, I know this dude's weakness!" This was of course answered by Iron Fist charging M.O.D.O.K. with a warrior's cry and promptly getting hit with a mental blast as well. Now, I tried to tell Fisty, sometimes I call him Fisty; that I knew what this guy's weakness was. Think about it: He's a super intelligent giant brain. You deal with this guy the same way you deal with any over confident brainiac in high school who thinks he's hot shit. You make fun of his shortcomings.

It's always the same. The smarter the jerk is the worse off they are. Body odor, lack of dates, funny looking clothes, acne, bad haircut, the list goes on and on. They are so caught up in how smart they are that they expect you to be caught up in it as well. You will never win that way. If some guy is debating your argument and starts getting you with facts and logic, you call him a fat virgin. These guys are never emotionally healthy enough to shrug off your insults and just make their point. They always try to debate with you. Let me ask you this: How emotionally healthy would you be if you were a giant floating head in a chair?

So I attacked him verbally. I laughed at his odd shaped head. I told him he was a fake ass Krang from Ninja Turtles. I asked him "Dude, why you always fighting with mutant turtles?" I told him that big mental ring looked like a tiara. I asked him who the king of the prom was that put that big ass piece of jewelry on his head. I told him he must have felt like the prettiest princess. I told him he smelled like Jenny Craig's ass. I don't even know why that would be worse than a regular ass, but he took issue with it, which is really what I was going for. I practically begged him to zap me, telling him "So you'll knock me out. So what? You're still an abomination, you fat eunuch." And just when I thought I had him mad enough to do something completely stupid to give me the advantage in a fight, his booster rockets went off underneath his floating chair and shot through the roof and presumably into space. For a confused moment I gave myself credit for getting him angry enough to shoot himself into space, but it turned out that my verbal assault bought Wasp enough time to get tiny and over ride his circuits manually or something. Which I guess is a victory, right? Does this mean I beat M.O.D.O.K.? I'm not entirely certain, but at the end of our encounter I was unscathed and he was the one screaming like a bitch and shooting uncontrollably straight into the sky, you know? That's all I'm saying.

Chapter 10

"All right, is everyone good?" Paladin asked, helping Black Knight to his feet.

"He shot me through a wall," Black Knight pouted. "He shot me through a wall with his mind!"

"I know, I saw it, now what did we learn?" Paladin asked.

"You don't always have to fight bad guys just because they're there?" Black Knight asked.

"Exactly. Now help us find the Deus Ex Machina." Paladin instructed as he began to rummage through the various devices and lab notes.

"The what now?" Black Knight asked, sheathing his sword.

"I'm sorry, I keep forgetting you went to community college," Paladin said, leaning against a table. "In Greek theatre a device of the gods would appear and resolve all issues with little to no real explanation of why it worked out. In these sorts of situations it's good to find a device that was created by the bad guys for the sheer sake of defeating them. Don't ask me why, but they almost always seem to have one just sitting around in their lair."

Black Knight looked dumbstruck as he looked to Wasp and Iron Fist. "And you two buy into this?"

Both parties nodded their heads in agreement. "One time I found a device in Dr. Doom's castle that seemed to exclusively be designed for augmenting my wasp's sting. It gave me just enough juice to blow a hole into a prison gate and free Hawkeye." Wasp explained.

"Well, then what did Hawkeye do?" Black Knight asked.

"He fired an arrow that shorted out Doom's armor, an arrow that he found." Wasp said.

"No kidding." Black Knight said in disbelief, nodding his head in understanding. "Deus Ex Machina."

"Holy shit!" Paladin interrupted with a laugh. "Oh Jesus, you guys have to see this."

The four of them gathered around a small series of monitors that sat below a much larger screen and saw exactly what Paladin was laughing at. In four separate cells Spider-Man, Captain America, Thing, and Tony Stark sans Iron Man armor were all held captive. Paladin continued laughing in this manner for a full minute while the others crowded around the screens.

"Well, we have to save them." Wasp said finally.

Paladin reached under his goggle to wipe away a tear and finished giggling. "Say what?" He asked.

"They're in trouble, we have to help them!" Wasp reiterated.

"Whoa, now hold on there!" He said. "Let's think about this for a minute. Half of those guys punched me in the face very recently. One of them flew through my helicopter, and I'm fairly certain that rock monster was going to eat me. They're the so-called Big Shots, let them save each other."

"It doesn't matter," Iron Fist interjected. "They're heroes and we're heroes. Heroes save heroes; that's just the way it works."

"Says who?" Paladin asked angrily, looking around the room. "Wasp, you used to lead the Avengers, yet were you invited back when they reformed?"

"No! And Captain America wouldn't sleep with me either!" Wasp replied.

"Right…Iron Fist, what ever happened to your best buddy Luke Cage?" Paladin asked.

"Well, his girlfriend has been keeping him pretty busy and…" He began.

"And when he's out fighting crime, who's he doing it with?" Paladin asked sternly?

"Spider-Man." Iron Fist answered sheepishly.

"That's right, he's hanging out with Spider-Man and you're not invited." Paladin said. "And Black Knight, how many times do I have to tell you not to mess with stuff?" Black Knight looked at him blankly, holding what appeared to be a bazooka.

"Jesus fuck!" Iron Fist yelled, dropping to the floor the second he saw him holding it.

The large screen above them suddenly came to life and the image of Viper appeared on the screen. "M.O.D.O.K. I need the status on…Paladin?" She asked, taken aback.

"Paladin is still the fucking man!" Paladin yelled back.

"Are you here to join our fold?" Viper asked.

"I'm here to…!" Paladin began. "Wait, why are we here?"

"To defeat HYDRA and save the day." Wasp whispered to him.

"We're here to whip your leathery asses!" Paladin yelled at the screen.

"I beg your pardon, but my ass is silky. You should know; you were just rubbing it two weeks ago!" Viper retorted.

"Oh Paul, you didn't!" Wasp said with a hush.

"Hey, she was coming onto me…" Paladin began.

"Mother of God, put that down!" Viper screamed.

"This?" Black Knight asked, as a beam of pure energy fired from the weapon, obliterating the screen in a shower of sparks and glass. "Fuck!" He screeched, dropping the weapon and hopping backward.

"I think we found our Deus Ex Machina!" Iron Fist exclaimed with a clap.

"Nope," Paladin said, picking it up. "It's out of batteries."

"Well, damn, now what?" Black Knight asked.

"We could go and rescue the others." Wasp suggested.

"No, absolutely not!" Paladin protested.

"Please?" Black Knight asked.

"All right, fine. I guess we were going to do that anyway." An exasperated Paladin said throwing his hands into the air.

"Listen, I don't mean to be an alarmist," Iron Fist said, addressing the group. "But we've been wandering for hours. There's a very good chance that we may be lost."

"All right, this is total bullshit. We are totally lost. How the hell did that happen?" Black Knight reiterated, visibly upset.

"It is a little strange. You'd think we'd be attacked by the point or something. Maybe everyone just went home?" Paladin mused, running a hand over his chin.

"Maybe if we split up, we'd cover more ground." Wasp offered.

"No way, not a chance," Paladin said firmly. "Every time the group splits up, everyone is defeated one by one."

"It would be better than wandering around like a bunch of jackasses. I'm bored." Black Knight mumbled.

"Not a chance. We're sticking together until…Ah!" Paladin said with a sudden shout. His feet gave out from underneath him as a trap door sprung below him.

Paladin pulled himself up and looked at the gaping hole behind him. "Man, did you see that? A trap door! A good old fashioned trap door!"

"I didn't know they still made those." Wasp said as they safely cleared the hole and continued down the hall.

With a sudden whirring sound, an object rose from the floor in front of them. The men grabbed what little cover they could while Wasp shrunk herself and flew behind it. Bullets sprayed all around them with a continuous loud cracking sound. "A machine gun turret! Hell yes!" Paladin shouted enthusiastically as Wasp blew it up with a shot from her wasp's sting.

"This is great!" Paladin exclaimed as two walls rose in from either side of them and began to sandwich them in. Iron Fist punched the wall in front of them, clearing a path. "It's a little corny, but I kind of like the old school pitfalls and traps. It just makes the adventure come alive, you know?"

"Well, at least we know we're moving in the right direction." Wasp said.

"Ooh!" Black Knight said excitedly, eyes gleaming with hope. "Do you think we'll get to face robot versions of ourselves?"

"Only if there's a God!" Paladin replied, giving him a high five.

"Stop it!" A familiar voice suddenly shouted as all of the traps retreated into the walls.

"Aw!" Paladin whined as he noticed the traps vanish.

The Constrictor dropped from a grate in the ceiling, holding a remote control. "Just stop it you stupid fuck heads! This isn't supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be life threatening!" He yelled, clearly exasperated.

"Hey Frank!" Paladin said with a grin that went ear to ear as he pulled his gun and focused it on him. "How's the finger?"

"Better, thanks for asking." He said, calming down quickly. "The doctor managed to-"

"Sorry. Didn't care." Paladin said, cutting him off.

"Jesus! Well, then why did you ask?" Constrictor shouted, once again upset.

"It was a clever insult in that I was using sarcasm to remind you that I broke your finger." Paladin shrugged. "You really think you would have picked up on that."

"Well, that's pretty shitty." Constrictor said, disappointed.

"Anyway, didn't S.H.I.E.L.D. agents arrest you?" Paladin asked.

"Yes!" Constrictor exclaimed, clearly excited again. "The fools thought they had me, but I made my daring escape by-"

"Sorry, sorry." Paladin said, once again cutting him off. "Don't care."

Constrictor stared at him incredulously, as if being cut off for a second time had physically hurt him.

Paladin began to speak, attempting to explain himself. "You see what I did there was use a different tense. Didn't would imply a past tense, where-"

"I'm going to kill Captain America!" Constrictor screamed at the top of his lungs. Then, after his words sank in, he relaxed his voice. "Well, also Spider-Man and Iron Man and that rock guy, but yeah, how does it feel to be cut off in mid sentence?"

"That's it. I'm going to punch the stupid out of him." Iron Fist said, cracking his knuckles.

"Hold on, let him talk." Paladin said. "All right, Blinky, how?"

"Wait, do you actually care or are you just going to cut me off again?" Constrictor asked suspiciously.

"No, this time I'm honestly curious, please go ahead." Paladin said, motioning him to continue.

"Well, all right then." Constrictor said, taking in a deep breath. "Your friends are being held in cells made of pure adamantium, the most indestructible metal known to man! And with just a single press of this button I am going to flood their cells with enough carcinogens and radiation to make them glow like Christmas trees, which I was never allowed to have because I was raised Jewish!"

"Cool." Paladin said simply. "Those guys are jerks."

"I'm not kidding man, I'll fucking do it!" Constrictor screamed, a finger quivering over the button.

"Go ahead. When Captain America dies, I get to be the next Captain America." Paladin said calmly.

"You're fucking with me." Constrictor said, eyeing them. Then, sounding more convinced he added: "Really?"

"Sure! If you don't believe me, let me press the button. That's how serious I am." Paladin challenged.

"You're bluffing, there's no way you'd kill these guys!" Constrictor retorted.

"Oh yeah? Then call my bluff. I would totally kill those guys." Paladin replied.

"Would not!" Constrictor shouted.

"Yup, in a heartbeat." Paladin said simply.

"Well then here!" Constrictor said, throwing him the remote. "I'd like to see you try!"

Paladin caught the remote with one hand and just stared at it.

"Ha! I'll bet you thought I was some kind of idiot, huh?" Constrictor said smugly.

"All right, you can hit him now." Paladin said.

"Wait, what?" Constrictor asked as the dawning realization of what he'd done fell upon him.

---------------------------------------

The four of them had been severely beating Constrictor for the better part of the past five minutes. At one point Black Knight even tapped his elbow twice before dropping it directly into his chest. They even began to play a game where they would punch and kick him over and over and the first person to let him hit the ground lost.

"Hey, wait a minute. Shouldn't we try to get information out of him?" Wasp finally pondered.

Paladin, mounted on Constrictor, punched him once and turned around. "What?"

"You know; information." Wasp started. "Where we can find the bad guys, where we can find the other…"

"Jerks?" Paladin interrupted.

"Sure, let's go with that." Wasp nodded.

"You heard the lady, jerkass!" Paladin grunted, grabbing up Constrictor by his costume. "Where-"

"Third door on the left!" Constrictor blurted out through blood and tears. "Oh God, I don't want to die here!"

"You really suck, you know that?" Paladin said. "I was totally going to make my tough guy speech."

"Hey, he's right!" Iron Fist yelled from up the hall. "And dudes! Tony Stark is Iron Man!"

"I knew that." Paladin said.

"Me too." Black Knight chimed in.

"I slept with him." Wasp commented to disbelieving stares. "What? He's rich."

"I didn't know he was Iron Man." Constrictor wheezed.

"Quiet, you!" Paladin shouted, striking him in the face again. "Not Iron Man, he said, uh, Iron comma man. It's slang for being cool or solid or erect."

"Tony Stark has a boner?" He questioned.

"Yes. He's gay for you. Look at his moustache." Paladin said, getting to his feet.

Several minutes later found Captain America, Spider-Man, Thing, and Tony Stark freed from their cells as Paladin and Iron Fist literally threw Constrictor into one and slammed the door.

"In you go, stupid!" Paladin said cheerily as he dusted off his hands. He turned to the other heroes and stated with a grin, "Well, someone owes me a thank you."

The other heroes looked around awkwardly at each other while Paladin waited for a response. "Oh come on!" He said finally. "I just saved your lives, not to mention the fact that you all hit me and came here anyway without me."

Captain America finally spoke up and said "Well, you know, we would have gotten out eventually."

"Um, sir?" Black Knight said, stepping closer to him. "With all due respect sir, what the fuck?"

"Yeah, that's a good question," Iron Fist agreed, thoughtfully stroking his chin. "What the fuck indeed!"

"Come on, people! I'm a Nazi punching machine; of course I would have gotten out of it!" Captain America protested.

"Hey, I'm an Avenger now; I would have gotten out of it too." Spider-Man added.

"Yeah, and I didn't get invited back into the Avengers, what the fuck?" Wasp piped in.

"Please people, stop saying 'fuck'." Captain America asked quietly.

"You were on the Avengers?" Spider-Man asked Wasp.

"Yeah!" Paladin said emphatically. "And Tony needs to buy me a new helicopter! Two new helicopters!" As everyone turned quiet, Paladin looked around for approval. "Anyone? No?"

Tony Stark began sobbing into his hands, and cried "Oh God, I'm so pitiful, but with the love and support of friends like you…"

"Oh shut the fuck up, Tony. You're giving me a headache." Paladin complained. "I have a gun you know, buy me a helicopter!"

"Whatta revoltin' development!" Thing added uselessly.

"First off Thing, you're not to speak unless spoken to." Captain America chastised. "Furthermore, why don't we all just relax and find away to stop M.O.D.O.K.?"

"Apologize first and maybe we'll tell you all about how we, you know, kicked his ass already before getting here." Paladin said smugly.

Captain America looked dumbfounded. "No way! You losers beat M.O.D.O.K.?"

"Can I hit him too?" Iron Fist asked.

"I'd be cool with that." Paladin shrugged.

"How in the hell did you beat M.O.D.O.K.?" Captain America asked.

"Hey, didn't you hear me?" Iron Fist asked. "Punch you. Fist of iron. Dedicated martial artist."

"Dude, he's totally going to punch you." Paladin warned.

"Into the ocean! I've done it to people before, old man." Iron Fist reminded him.

"I just don't believe you beat M.O.D.O.K." Captain America said.

"Well, we did." Wasp added with a sense of finality.

"It's not important." Captain America said, raising his hands in defeat. "We're here for a reason. We have to stop Viper."

"From doing what?" Black Knight asked innocently, and was met with blank stares. "Come on, we're already here, you can tell us now."

"Yeah seriously, this cool kids club shit is just getting old. You guys are icons with logos and everything and we're a bunch of jerks, we get it. Can you guys stop dicking around now and just let us in on the big joke already?" Paladin asked.

"No." Captain America said decisively.

"Tell us or I'm holding a press conference to talk about your impotence." Wasp threatened.

Cap furrowed his brow, clearly annoyed. "All right, but this doesn't leave us, got it? No one gets to know we were here."

"Scouts honor." Paladin swore.

Chapter 11

Well to be honest, I don't see how it's really any of your damned business. I mean look man, I'm bearing my goddamn soul to you; so why is it that important to you that you know this bit too? I've never asked you how you lost your virginity, but I'm pretty sure it involved a tattooed quadriplegic, a four pack of wine coolers and a VHS copy of 'A League of their Own', didn't it? Do you see what I did there? I used my imagination and came up with the most likely scenario, which is probably just the easiest route here for both of us, isn't it?

Look, it's not that I'm trying to be an ass here; it's just that I'm not proud of it. And not in the way where you made a video in college that you're not proud of. Listen, this is just between you and me, right? I mean, I'm under the assumption that technically you're not allowed to tell anyone anyway, so I'm going out on a limb here in thinking that I can trust you. All right, what the hell, why not? Order yourself another drink, this one is a doozy.

It all started about seven or eight years ago, something like that. I wasn't hunting super villains yet. I wasn't even wearing a cape yet, if you can believe it. That whole cape thing was pretty short lived anyway, and I don't really want to talk about it. Whatever, I was just starting to make a name for myself, and I was willing to travel wherever it took. Not just for the reputation or the money, it was the excitement. It's an overused cliché for sure, but the adrenaline was truly like a drug for me, still is in some ways. Local thugs, bail hoppers, they were never exciting. I started seeking out the FBI's most wanted list. Still wasn't enough. I started taking out private gigs, kept my ear to the ground. I was 18 years old when I caught my first bounty if you can believe it. Grew up with bounty hunters, promised I wouldn't start hunting until I finished high school. By the time I was 21 I had been to Germany, Prague, you name it. And with a cock full of confidence I found myself in Indonesia.

The guy I caught there easy enough, some poppy kingpin with a taste for farmer's daughters. The sick bastard had a harem full of 'em and small army to boot. The locals had had enough and managed to contact me to ruin his shit. I went after him alone. I didn't want to share my glory with anyone else. I didn't want to share my money with anyone else. Hell, I didn't want to share my rush with anyone else. I didn't give a damn about the drugs or the farmers or anything else for that matter. It was the job that was on my mind, and just thinking about the rep I could make off of capturing this guy honest to God gave me an erection.

So I fucking did it. I killed 42 men and captured my target alive. No one had said anything about his men, they were obstacles and I overcame them. It turned out though that the whole thing was bullshit. Yeah, he was running a massive drug lab and yeah, he was kidnapping extremely young girls. It also turns out though that he made some very big enemies in a place called Madripoor. They were fucking testing me, and I passed with flying colors. I was asked to transport him to the heart of the goddamn city to a person called Viper.

Before I go on, I have to tell you this story. When I was in high school, I became friends with this one nerdy kid name Stephen because I was outrageously attracted to his sister. Now this girl wouldn't give anyone the time of day that wasn't just a hint of a nerd. The girl was a goddamn ten, and she spent her days climbing trees and drawing birds. I fell hard for this girl, she was my weakness. It wasn't even that she was just impossibly hot; she just had a very unique way about her that I couldn't resist. So I did the dumbest thing possible when I asked her to the football game. It wasn't her bag, but what else was I going to do? She had me tongue tied. I blurted out football game and she agreed. So we go down there and it's obvious that something is up. We're getting dirty looks from everyone and the second the game is over she wants to get the hell out of dodge. So we wind up at this burger joint, and I'm stupid as hell because everyone is going there after the game. It's just common sense. So we're there, eating our food, and I all I can think about is what kind of nipples this girl has to have and how soon I'm going to find out. And here come the conquering heroes, and that's when it dawns upon me: This girl has something up with someone on the team. They walk right to our booth, ignore me, and just start ripping into this girl like she's the town whore. She's just taking it like a champ, and right as I'm considering admiring her for her tact and calm, this cheerleader dumps a shake over her head. I sprang out of the booth and punched that bitch in her tit. I kicked a linebacker in the junk. And when the quarterback took a swing at me, I twisted his arm until in broke. Put him out for the year and cost him a scholarship, but that's beside the point. Here's the twist: This sweet, charming, unique girl that I'm out with and fighting a football team for leaps on my back and starts savagely clawing the shit out of me, yelling at me for hurting her boyfriend. I was so stunned that I didn't even care when the rest of the damned team put me through a window and stomped a week's vacation at the hospital into me. And the thing of it all was that I deserved it. I dumped my girlfriend of nine months for this one date and didn't have anything to show for it. And for some stupid reason, I didn't regret it. I lost out huge and I was strangely comfortable with it.

When I met Viper, it was like that. I was surrounded by dozens of life long killers. Their entire way of life was dedicated to making people question God's existence before they died. And I'm standing in massive room with my prize catch, who suddenly feels incredibly small. I can't focus on the men, my prisoner, or anything else. All I can do is stare at this vision of elegance and danger and I'm willing to go through any man or woman or beast in the room just to find out what she smells like.

Now, I'm standing there with my prisoner and she asks me if that's the man I was hired to bring in. I tell her it is and she nods to a guard standing behind me, and he slits his throat, just like that. So she starts to ask me questions about where I've come from and what I plan to do. I'm answering the questions but the truth is that I'm falling in love with her just watching mouth create those words, watching her eyes bore into me, watching her watch me. And this dude behind her doesn't like it. It's clear that he's the jealous type. He tells her that she needs to stop playing these games; that I just need to get my money and get the hell out of there. She begins to sass him and that buys her a solid smack across the face. I'm just about to protest when I see him pulling his gun on her.

Instinct took over me. It was really like I was in high school all over again. I'd like to try and convince myself that I needed her alive to collect my money, but it's not true. The thought of this truly exotic, unique woman leaving this earth was something that I refused to allow, no matter the cost. My pistol was out of its holster and his hand was half blown off before he even processed what I was doing, and I was on him like a shot. By the time he even began to scream I had him in a choke and my gun pointed at the dozen or so guards. Those incompetent, clumsy bastards were still fumbling for their weapons, those that weren't frozen in shock. I didn't have time to be scared before, but the reality of what a bone headed move I'd made just kicked in, and I was starting to realize that I didn't have too many ways out of it.

So I did the logical thing: I moved the gun to his head and threatened to shoot if they didn't lay down their weapons. Well, the problem came when they weren't buying it and I realized that this is going to sound incredibly stupid, but in my defense I had a lot of adrenaline going. I only meant to start to squeeze to give the impression that I'd squeeze. Well, in reality I squeezed the trigger a little too tightly and the gun went off, killing him on the spot. Now that; that really got their attention. And right when I'm preparing for a dozen bullets to explode through my brain, Viper speaks up, tells everyone stop, and they do.

Now, I have no idea what the hell is going on. She addresses me and in the same voice. She tells me that I've just killed her husband. Her husband? Well fuck, how was I supposed to know? I can tell that neither one of us are shedding too many tears over him though. The guy was obviously an asshole. She tells me I have two options. I can choose death or I can stand by her side. She asks me to choose, and without hesitation I choose to stand by her side. She asks me if I'm strong enough to stand by her. I tell her I am. She asks me to prove it. And I do.

She orders the guards drop their guns and I drop mine, and right then and there she orders them to kill me with their bare hands. It was about as romantic as it sounds. They move on me, but I'm ready for them. I fought them like a man with a purpose. When a man knows that it's all or nothing, when he's pretty sure that in a minute, maybe two he'll be dead anyway, you'd be surprised what he can do. Every shot I took was a deathblow. I fought dirtier than I ever had before. I was fully prepared to kill every single last one of those son of a bitches before they killed me. I began to actually feel hate for them, angry that they were trying to end my life. You know what? I've always known that one of these days I'm going to die. Everyone dies. But to hell with that, I'm going out on my own terms and only when I know for a fact that I'm going out with a reason. I'm fighting what could very well be my swan song and then it occurred to me: I was winning. I was hurt and beaten, but I was winning. One by one these people were going down and I looked up, eleven down and one to go, just one woman left. And this bitch is holding a gun.

I took a shot in the chest and it pretty much obliterated my Kevlar. I was frightened and desperate, I tried to get to my feet, find a gun, anything, and then silence. It takes me a minute to realize why I'm not dead. I open my eyes and Viper is standing over me, smiling; a thin, bloody knife in her hand. She tells me that I'm strong enough.

We made love that night over and over, and in my head I'm beginning to feel like I might have actually won the big one. I fought the odds, razed the castle walls, defeated the dragon and won the girl. The whole time though, through the wine and sex and laughter, I can't help but feel like something is off. I mean, did I earn this? What did I do to deserve this? Why couldn't I enjoy the moment? I killed her husband that day. I killed men that day. I killed women that day, for crying out loud. And I was rewarded for it. For the life of me though, this girl was in love with me. I've seen the look, it was pure animal magnetism. She must have felt that I'd saved her or something maybe, I don't know, maybe I did. But she was clearly happy with me, happier than she'd been in a while, like she was remembering how to be happy. It was escaping her in waves. Who knows, maybe she really did care about me. Maybe she wanted to live happily ever after, just her and me.

The days went by, and I learned things about Madripoor that I wished I hadn't. Like how they made their money, for example. If you ever get the chance to visit, you'll probably see some of the most expensive hotels you'll ever see in your life. You'll see a city standing as a monument to decadence. And then you'll head down the wrong alley. You'll walk a little bit too close to the edge of town. You'll see the poverty, the drug addiction, the murders, the child prostitution, the disease, the hunger; do I need to keep going? Viper just became richer and richer. She had deals with every international crime syndicate and intelligence organization you could name. Due to their status as a sovereign nation, they were able to hold some of the worst names in the world without repercussion. It was a villain's paradise.

One time in particular I had been walking down one of these roads, just taking a break, when I came across Mastermind. You remember him? Probably not, he was the illusionist guy; he was kind of weak outside of his powers. Well there he is, terrorizing this poor woman and these three little kids. They were already worse off than most people there and he's clearly just terrorizing them for laughs. I didn't give a damn what happened to me by this point, enough is enough. I'd gone weeks watching this kind of thing being done to people with no rhyme or reason. At least in some cases they guy would have the decency to kill his victim sooner than later. This was just mindless torture. And you can call it my own conscience catching up with me, a change of heart, justice, or whatever you want but I had enough. I blindsided him and kept on punching until I just couldn't punch any more. He could have been trying to use his powers on me, making me see monsters, who knows? I could only see red.

I finally stopped and rolled off him, tired and breathing heavy from the adrenaline that wore off. The mother helped me to my feet and took me inside for tea. She told me that her husband was sucked up into a miniature tornado b y some guy with a mask and dropped about 200 feet to his death. It was just senseless and stupid. He died for no reason other than that it was funny to some super powered nobody, and no one gave a damn. She was immensely appreciative and honestly shocked that anyone cared about her and her children enough to help her. No one cared around here. Not the police, not even their own cared enough to stand up to these people. And realistically, any kind of revolt would have just ended with everyone dying and they seemed to know it. These people didn't have anything. No champion, no aspirations, no hope. And the most dangerous thing possible is a complete lack of hope, because without hope there are no heroes.

I had two choices that I could see: On the one hand, I was the apple of Viper's eye. She adored me, I was her champion. I'd fought and killed for her without batting an eye, and more than that I triumphed. I could have had anything in Madripoor. I was enticed by the money and the danger and the romance. I could have stayed there forever. But on the other hand, I was enraged daily. I watched some of the worst criminals in the world relax on the beach, laughing at the rest of us for committing their deeds and getting away with it. I saw some of the poorest people I've ever seen, hating their own existence. Children being gunned down for trying to steal fruit, or just dying of disease before they hit puberty. I thought of what kind of difference I could make here, bringing some justice to the land. Helping the downtrodden, making their way of life a little more tolerable. I considered the two options, and I did the only thing I could think to do.

I left.

Chapter 12

"Holy shit!" Iron Fist exclaimed.

"I have to agree with that," Black Knight said thoughtfully stroking his chin. "Holy shit."

"Now do you see why we didn't tell you?" Captain America said smugly.

"Oh why, because we'd screw it up? We're not 'Real' heroes?" Wasp questioned angrily. "Fuck you."

"They were only going to pay me a million five?" Paladin asked himself incredulously, sitting down with a thump and resting his head in his hands. "Those incredibly cheap bastards!"

"Yeah well, when you're dealing with international terrorists who anonymously pay you to fight super villains, it's really 'Buyer Beware', isn't it?" Spider-Man mocked.

"Yeah well I…!" Paladin began to say before his shoulders slumped forward in defeat. "All right, you got me there. But come on, you can't tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing!"

"No." Spider-Man said.

"Not a chance." Captain America said with a grimace.

"Nuh uh." Black Knight said.

"I think I probably have more money than HYDRA, to tell you the truth." Iron Man said.

"Haw! You gotta be jokin', skinny." Thing guffawed.

"Nope." Wasp shrugged.

"Well, yeah. Of course I would." Iron Fist commented to the stares of his peers. "What? Come on, look who you're talking to here! I'm Iron Fist, you know? The Heroes for Hire ringing any bells? I've made an entire career out of fighting super villains for money."

"…And of wearing tastefully yellow little booties!" Spider-Man added.

"That's not cool, man." Iron Fist said shaking his head. "They're part of an ancient and sacred outfit."

"And seriously, who are you to comment?" Paladin added. "You somehow worked in spidery web based arm pit hair to your costume!"

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you, what's up with that?" Wasp questioned. "You clearly had to work pretty hard just to make those, why did you even bother?"

"It's to simulate…a spider's…web…it's actually…" Spider-Man stuttered.

"Dude," Black Knight chastised. "Webbed arm pits."

"You guys really suck." Spider-Man sulked.

"Will you all knock it off?" Captain America exclaimed.

"But arm pits…" Black Knight began pitifully.

"I don't care." Captain said sternly. "To be honest, we all look stupid. But that's not the point, right now. The point is…"

"This…this isn't a costume." Thing said looking equal parts shocked and hurt.

"Aw buddy, you know I didn't mean it." Captain America said, genuinely remorseful.

"No." Thing said firmly, wiping away a tear. "No, you did. And it hurt. But I forgive ya."

"For crying out loud, the point is that HYDRA is going to keep Absorbing Man on a permanent bleed so they can use his unique blood to create an infinite supply of whatever substance they want to create." Paladin said, standing up and moving in between everyone. "Yes, we get the implications. They could create an army of adamantium armored soldiers and ruin the world's economy by flooding the gold market. We're not all idiots you know, we get it. The question for you guys is; how are you going to stop it?"

"What you mean 'You guys'?" Captain America asked suspiciously.

"Well, let's face it: For one thing, you didn't invite us in the first place. In fact, you went out of your way to not invite us and hit me in the head if I asked too many questions." Paladin began. "On top of that, this isn't our usual fare. I don't know about you guys, but we had to get good and drunk just to come here. I can't speak for everyone, but I was just planning on knocking over their mailbox and taking a piss in their flower bed. I didn't come here to save the world. And if you need a further reason, how about the fact that you guys would probably use us as bait and decoys?"

"We would never…!" Captain America began to say.

"Well, I would." Thing said. "Haw! I'd throw you right at old Crusher if I couldn't get my hands on anything else!"

"You see?" Paladin observed, motioning towards Thing. "The golem utters no deceit. It is terrible and wise."

"Thank you." Thing commented.

"Thing, you idiot." Spider-Man uttered.

"No, you guys wanted your own little super club, well, you got it. We'll see you back in New York. If the world doesn't explode in the next week we'll all just assume you won again." Paladin said as he started to walk away. "Come on gang, let's go home and watch super hero porn."

Iron Fist, Wasp, and Black Knight reluctantly followed him down the hall despite protest from others. "Paul, I know you don't like those guys, but you're not seriously thinking about just going home are you?" Wasp asked him in a hush.

"Yeah man, what the fuck?" Iron Fist asked. "We're not seriously going to let those guys save the day again, are we? They made fun of my shoes!"

"We're not watching the one that I was in without knowing about, are we?" Black Knight asked nervously. "I didn't know you could hide a camera in that."

"No on all counts, team." Paladin said as he spun around to face them, glancing over their shoulders to make sure they were out of view.

"Oh thank God." Black Knight said with a sigh of relief.

"We're going to beat them to the punch!" Paladin exclaimed. "We've got this one in the bag. We figured out where to go, we launched M.O.D.O.K. into space…"

"Guilty." Wasp said, raising her hand.

"And don't think we don't recognize that as the most awesome thing of the day." Paladin added. "But even beyond that, not only did we have to rescue the big shots; I've already beaten the man in question."

"By accident." Iron Fist corrected.

Paladin looked him dead in the eye. "Hey man, it's still a W and we still have all the strength we need right here with us. I say we find Viper first, show those egotistical jerks what's what, and shove her world domination plans up her ass."

"Without lube?" Wasp questioned hopefully.

"With sandpaper!" Paladin replied. "Who's with me?"

-------------------------------------

Viper walked purposefully around a large operating table, tracing a finger slowly across the torso of Crusher Creel, who was held down by several metal bands. Tubes ran through his body, the contents of which were displayed on a machine next to him. He looked only half awake, as if he was struggling just to keep his eyes open. "Mr. Creel," Viper purred, a wicked grin crossing her face. "I beg of you. Please tell me of your extraordinary…abilities."

"Lady, you've made a huge mistake." Creel mumbled. "Using adamantium to hold me down? It's just a matter o' time b'fore I managed to change into this stuff. And it's right 'bout that time that I'm going to wipe my metal ass with your face."

"Ah, such colorful language for a man as refined as yourself!" Viper said with mock surprise, making an O shape with her mouth and holding her hand to it. "But no, Mr. Creel, you will not have the pleasure of…that…today. Not unless I say so. You see, this wonderful machine controls your transformations as I see fit." Viper swiftly dragged her nail across his chest, drawing blood. "It's in the blood, isn't it?" Viper mused, studying her now wet fingernail. "What is it about your blood that's special? You're not a mutant, so why are you so unique?"

Viper licked the blood from her nail, savoring the taste in deep thought. She walked again around the operating table, settling by absent mindedly sitting on Creel's chest. The vitals on the machine next to him seemed to indicate the man was barely alive, but stable. 12 pints of blood in the last 48 hours had been draining from his body. Her mind thought almost randomly of the applications this blood could provide for her. Would it be used purely for duplication purposes, or could they create another Creel? And if they could make another, how many Creel's could they make all together? She looked at the vat and saw the substance that was going to propel her and Madripoor to a world superpower overnight. What couldn't this blood reproduce? Was it limited to raw materials or could it reproduce composites and chemicals?

"You have no idea how important you are to me." Viper whispered in Creel's ear, lying softly across his chest.

"Mistress!" A HYDRA agent shouted frantically. "Our reports are showing security breaches in sectors 5G through 9J! It looks like…!" But he was cut off by the sound of their security doors exploding and a half dozen HYDRA agents spiraling through the air.

"We have an order here for four large ass kickings with a side of Buffalo Wings!" Paladin yelled.

"We deliver in 30 minutes or less, or your broken nose is free!" Iron Fist added.

"You've tried the rest, now try our fists!" Exclaimed Wasp.

"And we accept all major credit cards and competitors coupons." Black Knight said.

"Hey, that was pretty good!" Paladin said, lightly clapping. "Everyone was right on cue, just like we practiced. High five, everyone!"

"Yeah, way to go guys, we really kept it together, very fluid." Wasp said, nodding her approval.

"Did you…did you really just use pizza delivery as an allegory to beating me up?" Viper asked, dumbstruck.

"Yup, came up with it all by ourselves. What did you think?" Black Knight asked, desperately seeking approval.

"Kill them." Viper said simply, which was immediately followed by the sound of a hundred rifles being cocked and loaded.

"Oh hell!" Paladin yelled, diving for cover. "Oh fuck me, they all have rifles! That's not cool!"

Wasp shrunk down and began to fly in erratic patterns, taking shots. Iron Fist dove between two technicians, laying them both out with simultaneous kicks to their heads. Black Knight had pinned a HYDRA agent to a wall and was repeatedly punching him in the stomach, despite the several HYDRA agents who were shooting him in the back or trying to pry him off.

Paladin though had crouched behind a computer terminal and was taking wild shots with his stun gun into the crowd. He caught a glimpse of a pair of feet trying to slowly sneak up on him from under the desk. He calmly holstered his gun and waited for the last possible moment before grabbing a large computer monitor and leaping over the desk, smashing it screen first into the head of the unlucky agent.

"Viper, we've come to…!" Captain America began to proclaim boldly to the room before cutting himself off as he observed the melee. "What the fuck is this?" He asked out loud.

"Whatta revoltin' development!" Thing remarked casually.

"All right, for the last damned time Thing, shut the fuck up." Iron Man said irritably. "God, I'm not nearly drunk enough to handle this."

"Viper!" Captain America yelled, cupping his hands.

"What do you want?" She yelled back, throwing a knife which harmlessly bounced off the good Captain's shield.

"We've come to…" He began to state again. Two more knives bounced off his shield. "Stop that!" He yelled as he lowered his shield again. "We've come to administer…" another volley of knives bounced off his shield. "Seriously, knock it off! We've come to…"

"I can't hear you!" Viper yelled back.

"Well, then I'll yell louder!" Captain America yelled back. "We've come to administer justice and…"

"If it's an ass kicking, we've already called dibs!" Paladin yelled back.

"He's got you there, Cap." Spider-Man said with a shrug as he pulled a thug into his fist with his webbing. "Once a guy calls dibs, you have to honor it."

"You son of a bitch!" Captain America yelled as he rushed Paladin, tackling him off his feet and mounting his chest. "You've stolen my line for the last time!" He screamed as he began to pummel Paladin.

Paladin managed to roll Captain America over and began to hammer away on him. "You fucking pastel wearing liberal douche! I'm going to make you shit that shield!"

"You goddamn nobody!" Captain America exclaimed as he head butted Paladin and flipped him over. You're going to need at least ten constitutional amendments just to pull my boot out of your ass!"

"Holy shit!" Iron Fist exclaimed for the second time in the past hour. Everyone else was too engrossed in their own life and death struggle to really get involved, but everyone in the room was aware of their fight.

Captain America gripped Paladin by the throat and repeatedly struck him in the nose. "Who the hell do you think you are?" He screamed, punching Paladin again. "You're a loser, Pal. You think you're man enough to take me? Just look at me! I fought Nazi's for fucks sake! I'm an American icon, and you, you're a fucking joke." Captain America tightened his grip on Paladin's throat, causing his to gurgle. "And sleeping with my girlfriend, you thought that was fucking funny? Did you? Speak up, scumbag, I can't hear you. I asked if you thought sleeping with my fucking girlfriend was funny to you!" Captain America swung three swift times into Paladin's face. Paladin looked like he was out on his feet, but Captain America just kept going. "You want to know something else? Do you want to know why we let you even join the Avengers in the first place? Because I thought it would be funny. Who knows? Maybe Drax would have come down and cleaved you in half, or maybe Kang would have fucked your Mother and fucked you out of existence. Watching you in over your head, watching you fail was funny to me. That's why we let you in." Captain America swung hard at Paladin's stomach, doubling him over. He then lifted him back to his feet by the throat and pinned him to the wall again. "And just one more thing," He growled as he spat in Paladin's face. "Purple is a fucking woman's color."

Paladin reached up and caught Captain America's fist, much to Cap's surprise. "You…take…that…back!" He screamed, twisting his arm behind his back and punching Captain America in the back of the head. Captain America spun around suddenly with a thrust kick, which Paladin caught as he swept Captain America off his feet. He immediately reached down and lifted him back to his feet and delivered a knee to Cap's gut followed by a right cross to his chin. Captain America rebounded and fired off with a telegraphed haymaker. Paladin ducked swiftly underneath it. "Purple's a regal color!" He shouted as loud as he could as he leapt into Captain America with a devastating uppercut that sent Captain America flopping through the air. It looked like he just might make it to his feet when Paladin pulled out his stun gun and gripped it with both hands. He gritted his teeth and fired a half dozen shots into his chest before calming down. "And by the way?" Paladin said, breathing heavy and holstering his gun. "That A on your head stands for asshole."

The sight of Captain America dropping in defeat was enough to cause the majority of the people in to pause and take notice. "Magnificent!" Viper breathed as she stood up from her hiding place. "You've beaten Captain America!"

Paladin turned to face the others, wiping away some of the blood from his face. He pulled off his now cracked and useless goggles and threw them to the side. "Paul!" Wasp cried out. "What the hell have you done?" Paladin didn't seem to hear her as he limped gingerly towards Cap's shield.

"Captain America is down, now's our chance!" One of the HYDRA agents cried out. "Charge!"

Paladin dove towards the shield, turning in mid air to hold it in front of him. The hail of bullets from the agents weapons bounced harmlessly off the shield as Paladin peeked over it, dropping the agents one by one with stun blasts. The battle erupted again around him and with the sheer number of agents in the room it looked hopeless. Yet, the heroes managed to hold their own. The agility of Spider-Man, the raw strength of Thing, the battle fury of Iron Fist and Black Knight, everything came into play, and for a moment it looked like everyone just might be on the same page. Only for a moment though.

Pain exploded in Paladin's leg like shattering ice. Then another shot a moment later in his shoulder, and yet again in his chest. He looked down and saw the knives; the thin blades he had seen Viper throw so many times before. He wasn't dead yet, and he had his padding to thank for that. The knives themselves had barely managed to get through, but Paladin knew they were coated in poison. "Oh no…" He said to himself absent mindedly as he brushed them off.

"You shouldn't have come here, Paul." Viper said sadly as she arched her arm back to release another volley of knives. Paladin reacted quickly, throwing the shield on instinct at Viper. Viper's eyes widened as she dove out of the way, her knives harmlessly dropping to the floor.

The shield buried itself into a terminal next to Crusher Creel, which seemed to cut all the power to the machinery around him. As his skin took a metallic shine, Viper screamed and jumped to her feet, running off as fast as her legs would let her. He bellowed loudly enough to stun most of the people in the room, and the HYDRA agents immediately issued loud retreat orders.

The Absorbing Man forced his adamanitum bonds open and leapt to his feet, throwing the large metal operating table at Iron Man, knocking him out of the air. Thing saw this and grinned to himself as he cracked his knuckles. "You know what time it is, don'tcha?" He asked Creel as he began to rush across the room at him. "It's Clobberin' Time!" He shouted as he punched him across the jaw, knocking him back into a wall. Thing took a running leap off of a pile of debris, but Absorbing Man was ready for him, and let loose a devastating shot to the chest, shooting Thing through the domed skylight with a tremendous crash and out of sight.

"I liked it better when we weren't going to die." Spider-Man said somberly. For once, Paladin agreed with him.

Chapter 13

You're damned right it was chaos! I mean, Christ, just think about it: The Absorbing Man was made out of adamantium and that meant that we were all about to die. The dude almost killed me when he was made out of steel. Adamantium is an absolutely unbreakable and impenetrable materiel. It is literally indestructible. The only thing that ever penetrates adamantium is more adamantium. Now imagine an angry, psychotic individual who was being held against his will has just changed into Hold on, I need another drink just thinking about this.

Ah, that's better. All right, let me tell you how this all went down. So, he's just punched Thing into the ionosphere, right? And did I mention he threw a medical table at Iron Man? Well, just leapt across the room on top of Iron Man and began tearing pieces of the armor off his body, bit by bit, and the worst of it is that no one could stop him. Iron Man was screaming for his life trapped in that little metal coffin he made for himself. Even the HYDRA agents, well, the ones that didn't flee for their lives were trying to help the poor guy. Or maybe they were just trying to kill Absorbing Man on an entirely unrelated issue. Like an insane sense of duty to a boss who wasn't anywhere to be found. You know, it's funny. You don't think of human life as disposable until they start wearing matching, bright colored uniforms. I guess Creel found that funny as well, because he couldn't stop laughing as tore through the remaining foot soldiers. Must have been about fifty or so, just slaughtered. Bodies went flying everywhere, blood sprayed and stained the ground as limbs tore free from bodies, and again, there was nothing anyone could really do about it.

Spider-Man was of course, the first one to leap in against him. He must have known there wasn't much he could do, but he leapt in anyway. He values human life or something like that. He justifies putting people in traction and breaking bones by saying "Well, at least I never kill anybody." Whatever, I'm not going to argue the semantics with him. I've seen some of the people he's hit. I've been one of the people he's hit. It's never pretty. One time I saw him lift a subway car over his head. A guy that can do that shouldn't be punching us regular folks. And I'll give it to him, some of his regular foes it's probably all right for him to punch. Dudes like, for example, Rhino. Or maybe that retarded kid he used to fight, Man Mountain Marko. But for the most part, I think he seeks out a lot of these guys that he fights more often than others. Guys like Doctor Octopus, who's just a regular fat guy who happens to have these crazy metal limbs coming out of his back. Or Vulture, who's just this really old guy who can fly. That's it, he's old and he can fly. And Spider-Man punches him. That's messed up. If he was my arch nemesis, I'd just trick him into taking his medicine and getting him back to the nursing home. Unless he was a Nazi, in which case I'd try to catch him in the blades of my helicopter.

So Spider-Man is fighting this guy, and he's pulling every dirty trick in the book. He tries to make him punch a power transformer, but that didn't do jack. So he webs his feet and tries to pull him off his feet, which only results in him getting knock downed for a moment. He tries to web him to a wall, which again only results in him being webbed to a wall for a moment. It was actually amazing to see, to be honest. Spider-Man moves at almost a disturbing rate of speed. Needless to say, it was a stale mate. Crusher couldn't land a hit to save his life, and Spidey couldn't do anything to hurt him. The problem here is that one of these guys is a baseless villain and the other holds true to the ideals of super heroics. Without putting too fine a point on it, one of these guys was more prepared to fuck the other guy up.

Creel went back to Iron Man and heaved him at Spidey. Spider-Man of course did what he could to save Iron Man, but you really have two choices when a guy throws a buddy of yours at you at 90 miles an hour. You can dodge him and let him get impaled and crushed by whatever he hits, or you can save him and to hell with your own personal safety. Now, the smart money says that even if you save him, the other guy is going to mess you up and then just kill your friend anyway. So why bother helping him out, why not focus on your own self preservation? Spider-Man wasn't thinking like that. Man to man, no outside distractions our interference, Spider-Man probably would have found a way to beat him eventually. But in a real fight, there are always things you got to worry about. So when you stop what you're doing to make sure your friend doesn't get his head smashed in, you have no one to blame but yourself when you're the victim of a computer desk swatting you into a wall.

This was turning into a disaster. Captain America was out, which in all fairness I should point out that he started it. Thing was probably miles away. Iron Man was rendered useless and Spider-Man was probably dead. Hell, I could barely stand, let alone fight. So I shot him. No, really, I shot him. Yeah, that was an incredibly stupid thing to do. He looked right at me and just stopped. "You." He said, and I knew I was right fucked. He knew I was to blame for him being here, that I was the one who embarrassed him publicly by beating him, and that I was the perfect man to take out all his frustrations on. And by all accounts, I should totally be dead. I mean, here's the Absorbing Man and me without a can of pepper in sight. And while he's staring at me, ready to just make me a stain on the wall, Iron Fist lays him out across the jaw with his fist. "Over here, you bald headed bastard!" He yelled at him. "Throw down, punk ass!" Black Knight yelled at him. There are four people in this room standing. Myself, Creel, Black Knight, and Iron Fist. And at this point, I don't know where Wasp is, but she can become small enough that I'm accustomed to just not knowing. But I'm all but out cold and I'm worthless, so it's going to be Black Knight and Iron Fist vs. the Absorbing Man, winner take all. Those two wasted no time at all. Black Knight leapt right in with his sword, keeping Creel off balance. Iron Fist leapt over him, delivering kidney punches and shit with his now blazing fist. And then, out of nowhere, Black Knight knocks him off his feet with a sweep from his sword and Iron Fist pounced on Creel and just let loose. Picture this: A being made out of an unbreakable material versus a mystical metal powered by the chi of dedicated life long martial artist. For a moment I managed to convince myself he had a chance.

Before I go on, let me tell you some thing about Iron Fist. A couple years back, just a few months after we started hanging out, Hulk went on a rampage and he was more pissed off than ever. And everyone showed up to stop him. It was an all star cast that included the Fantastic Four, The Avengers, and every miscellaneous hero you can think of. Now, no one is a stranger to the Hulk. I don't have to tell you what he can do, he's the Hulk. So when he's tearing up New York, who were the first ones on the scene? Not Captain America, not Spider-Man, and not the X-Men. It was Iron Fist and Power Man. Of course, the first thing Hulk does is throw Power Man through three buildings. Let me repeat that: He went through three buildings. Now, even with that, Iron Fist still attacked the Hulk. And then Hulk promptly broke his hand and discarded him like garbage. The point though is that trying to punch the Hulk could have very well been the last thing he ever did on this earth. He must have known that he didn't have a chance in hell of winning. At most, he could have bought a few seconds and maybe distracted Hulk from killing a few innocents before the bigger guns arrived. And yet, he… he gritted his teeth and went after him. Now that is the type of bravery I can admire. If Thor goes after a guy, he knows he has even odds of walking away. That's not bravery. Thor knows he won't die. Spider-Man spends most of his time bouncing away and keeping out of range. That's not bravery. Getting right up in the face of death incarnate and punching him in the face? That's bravery.

I'm not that brave or that stupid and I can admit it. Yeah, I can admire the bravery of doing what he did, but for my money? It's also stupid as hell. You have to do this and say to yourself 'I'm about to die and accomplish next to nothing.' And then you have to brace yourself and do it without a second thought. No offense, but I'm just not that guy. If I'm going to die, it's going to be with good reason. Right now, I'm in my prime. I'm 28 years old, I'm in great shape, I'm a self made multi-millionaire, and I'm damned good looking. I live a life of adventure and intrigue. I have just about everything I could ever want. Why in the world would I throw all of that away for two seconds of fighting a guy I don't have a chance in hell of beating? If there is any chance, and I literally mean that, just the tiniest chance of beating a guy and the money is right, I will take the job. It's just who I am and how I operate. On the same token, if say, a giant talking dragon is burning my condo to the ground, I'll just find a new condo. Why? Because I can't fight a dragon, so why would I bother?

That's not how Iron Fist operates. He leapt right on Creel and went to town. Creel wasn't taking it though. He caught him by the fist and swung him into the ground, hard. He then began to swing his body at everything he could until Iron Fist was a torn, bloody mess. Black Knight jumped on his back and tried to choke him, but you just can't squeeze a solid metal like that. The poor guy is well intentioned, but doesn't always think everything through. Anyway, Creel just flips him off his back and starts punching away, slowly but surely denting his armor in, making it impossible for him to move with each blow. And I'm watching this unfold, realizing that in a moment, maybe two, I'm actually going to die. And I figure, hey, it's been a good run. I went out on a high note. I finally got the chance to beat up Captain America. I stormed an entire terrorist island, fought my way through countless fanatics with my closest friends. And even though I was about to die, at the very least it was going to be at the hands of an immensely powerful enemy, and there was no shame in that. I did my best, went down swinging, and I had no regrets about any of it. And right as I've resigned myself to my fate this massive gust of win begins to blow tiny bits of debris all over. I fumbled for my discarded goggles as I look to the sky. The sun was blinding me, but I could have sworn I made out the shape of a crescent moon. Creel strained his eyes to see what the distraction was when suddenly I heard three sharp clangs as two moon-shaped discs struck into his eyes and a third struck his forehead. At the same time, a white blur descended down through the broken skylight and landed in front of me. It Was Moon Knight, and he was here to save the day.

Creel absorbed the discs into his body and lunged at Moon Knight, but he quickly rolled out of the way, throwing another volley of Moonerangs. Again Creel absorbed them, and kept trying to get his hands on him. With every volley of discs though, Creel looked to be moving slower and slower until finally he stopped moving entirely. He held his forehead and wobbled back and forth a bit. His skin seemed to ripple like water. "Having trouble keeping your form together, Crusher?" Moon Knight asked him. "Doesn't surprise me, you just took enough speed and muscle relaxants to kill an elephant. But don't worry," He said removing his nunchakus from his belt. "Consider this rehab." He was a whirlwind with those things and every strike he made went through Creel like butter, removing another body part. He'd remove an arm an isolate it, then he'd remove a chunk of his torso and isolate it. A few minutes later and it was done. The Absorbing Man was taken apart, piece by piece, until he was no longer a threat.

Moon Knight offered me a hand up and explained everything. He'd been shadowing us since the beginning. He knew Creel had always been a junky and figured in a worst case scenario that he'd get his hands on some adamantium. So he fashioned a bunch of adamantium moonerangs that were sharp enough to pierce anything as well as a pair of adamantium nunchakus. By the way, he billed me for all of it, and I happily paid in full. He laced all the moonerangs with narcotics, knowing full well that Creel would just absorbed whatever was thrown at him. When he became unstable, he could take him apart. The trick though wasn't destroying the adamantium, but taking apart the man inside. I guess in that moment I didn't care too much about the details, I was just happy that he wasn't the type of friend to back out on me when the going got tough and I needed him most. Of course, when I asked him if I could have a ride to a hospital in his kick ass Moon Jet, he politely declined saying something about a already having a hot blonde, a French guy, a homeless dude, a black waitress and her kids in there and there simply wasn't room. Which was fine, I mean, I only had internal injuries that I needed to deal with, it's perfectly understandable that he'd fly out to a HYDRA base with a plane full of civilians. So he flew off and left me to my thoughts with a first aid kit for my troubles. And just when I thought it might finally be over, I realized something. I wasn't alone.

Chapter 14

Paladin heard the soft clapping of two gloved hands growing louder and louder as he propped himself up to his feet and removed his mask. Viper walked slowly from around a corner, a small chain in her hands. As she entered the room, Paladin saw what the chain was attached to. The chain slowly dragged Wasp by the neck and was attached to a very thick collar. Her wrists were bound behind her back by a thick metal encasement that covered her hands. She looked like she could very well have been drugged by her sluggish movements and the way her head kept drooping down.

"Well done, Paul!" Viper said, earnestly surprised. "Once again, you surprise me. You may have completely ruining this operation, but we have enough of his blood to have made it worth our while."

"That's not cool." Paladin said, motioning towards Wasp.

"Oh her?" Viper said, kicking out Wasps legs from beneath her and forcing her to her knees. "She's not in pain. Well, much pain by any stretch. This is a power inhibiter, it's certainly uncomfortable, but I wouldn't be too concerned with her comfort."

Paladin sighed and leaned against a support pillar. "What do you want, Viper?" He asked.

"I want to know why you left." She said plainly.

"I didn't approve of your friends." Paladin replied.

"You arrogant bastard!" Viper yelled, suddenly angry. "I gave you everything you could want and you walked out without saying a word! I gave myself to you, what more could you want."

"You know I don't have an answer for that." Paladin said sternly. "I was in love with you, but I couldn't be there. If you don't know why, you're as heartless as you claim to be."

"Heartless, am I?" Viper challenged. "And what about you? You think I don't know? I run a world wide network of spies. I know everything about you." Viper grabbed Wasp by the back of the hair and yanked her head back. "You think I didn't know about you and her? How you met her that day at that hotel?"

Paladin stared at her blankly, not saying a word. This seemed to only anger her further. "What did this short haired bitch have that I didn't?" She growled.

Paladin forced himself away from the wall and walked up to her. "What. Do. You. Want?"

"You." She said. "And I remember when you used to want me."

"How do you know I stopped wanting you?" Paladin asked.

"P…Paul?" Wasp said weakly.

Paladin and Viper both froze at the sound of her voice. "So what's it going to be?" Viper asked him.

"I don't know what you're asking!" Paladin yelled back, gripping her by the arms and shaking her. "It's always something with you, isn't it? You're either trying to kill me or get me to kill someone else, and for what? It was seven years ago!"

Viper shook off Paladin and yelled back at him. "Exactly, it's been seven years since you humiliated me! Seven years since you broke my heart, and you don't even feel remorse for what you did to me."

"I should feel remorse, you crazy bitch?" Paladin exclaimed in shock. "Have you seen what's done on your own streets? The majority of your population lives in poverty and fear, and you do nothing about it."

"Oh yeah?" Viper retorted. "And what exactly would have me do? Micromanage an entire nation?"

"You could start by not acting as a safe harbor for every super villain with a couple bucks to his name." Paladin scoffed.

"Madripoor has a long standing history of being a neutral country. We're a sovereign nation set apart from the rest of the world. We have no financial ties, no enemies, and no allies. And you presumed I should have just changed all of that in the five months you spent there?" Viper asked. "You're absolutely right; disrupting an entire socio-economic balance would have been the perfect thing to do."

"You didn't care enough to do anything." Paladin growled.

"And neither did you." Viper said.

Paladin stared at her for a good long while, looking for a response, knowing that he had none. "For what's its worth, I did feel remorse. I did miss you. And you're right; I didn't care enough to make changes. Neither of us did." He said finally. "But if you're so right, how in the hell do you expect me to just come back to you?"

"Things can change," Viper said softly, walking over to him and laying a hand on his chest and looking deeply into his eyes. "We can make it change. I promise."

She moved in to kiss him, but he pushed her away. "You can't promise me anything." He said sadly. "You can't even promise me the world isn't going to end because of you."

Viper looked hurt and stared at him intently. "But I can promise you things," She said. "I can promise I'll never leave you. I can promise you wealth, power and respect. And…"

"And what?" Paladin asked.

"And the antidote." She said simply.

Paladin stared at her in disbelief, as she grinned wickedly. "Oh you can't tell me you didn't know. You have poison coursing through your veins as we speak. You'll be dead by tomorrow. And neither of us wants to see you dead."

"And what if I don't believe you?" He questioned. "What if I just walk out again?"

"It will be the last time you do." She replied.

"What would you have me do?" He asked.

"Shoot her." She said motioning towards Wasp. "She's the reason this all fell apart. She the reason you stopped loving me. As long as she's around, there will always be someone you love more."

"I don't…" Paladin began to say.

"I'm not stupid." She replied simply. "I've seen the way you try to protect her. The way you try to impress her. I've seen everything you've done, remember? I also watched the way she left you, and how pathetically you still try to win her back. She's not worthy of your love, Paul. She doesn't even want it. Have you even considered that? Why would you choose someone who won't choose you? You have nothing to gain with her. I can give you everything. Because I've chosen you."

Paladin stood quietly for a minute, staring at the weak, limp body of Wasp. "I shoot her," He began slowly. "And I get to live. I get you back. And I get all the wealth and respect I can handle. Do I have that right?"

"Yes." Viper said hungrily.

Paladin released his stun gun from his holster and pointed it at Wasp. "No." Viper said, pushing his arm down. "Here," She said handing him her pistol. "This needs to be final. I need to know that it's not just symbolic, but that she'll never bother us again."

Paladin accepted the gun and looked down at it. How long had it been since a bullet had come out when he pulled the trigger? Could he pull it now? "It looks like I don't have much of a choice." He said, pointing the gun at Wasp. As she looked up at him, he smiled at her. "Don't worry babe, this won't hurt you a bit. I promise." With one fluid motion he swung his elbow hard into Viper's nose and dropped the pistol. He turned to her and kicked her in the stomach and drew his stun gun and pointed it at her.

"What are you…?" She began to frantically ask.

"I think it's best if we see other people." He said sarcastically, shooting her in the chest.

He holstered the gun and began to release Wasp from her bonds. "Are you all right?" He asked, kneeling down next to her.

"I'm…I'm fine." She said softly, rubbing her throat.

"You sound surprised." He said.

"It's just…it's what she said. Paul, you're poisoned." Wasp said seriously. "There's no way to get you to a doctor from here. You're going to die."

"They can't kill me," Paladin said with a grin. "I'm awesome. Remember?"

"Why did you do it?" She asked him.

"For the same reason I've always done everything for you." He said, lifting her chin. "Because I lov…"

"Paul," Wasp said. "Don't."

"I love you." He said firmly. "I never stopped."

"I know." She replied.

"And you don't love me." Paladin said quietly. Wasp began to speak, but Paladin cut her off. "It's all right, I know too. A man can hope for the good old days though, can't he?"

"We can get a Quinjet here soon. I should call someone for you." She said, trying to change the subject.

"I should go." Paladin said, turning to walk away. "Tell the guys I said thanks for everything. We should do it again sometime."

Wasp held his arm and spoke to him quickly. "Paul, wait, I…"

"Janet." Paladin said to her, looking the other way. "Don't."

Tears began to well up in her eyes and she stepped in front of him. "Just take care of yourself, okay?" She leaned up to kiss him on the cheek.

Paladin began to walk across the room, and turned back towards Wasp. "Hey, we saved the world, didn't we? That's some shit, isn't it?" He said, walking away. He walked through the corridors and found an empty room to collapse in. As his legs gave out from underneath him and he felt the darkness wrapping itself around his mind and his eyes, his final thought was "That sure was a nice ending. I wonder if it was worth it?" And then, everything went black.

Chapter 12

"Well, that's pretty much it." Paladin said, relaxing against the bar, looking out to the thinning amount of patrons. "What do you think, Dr. Cho?"

"So wait, I thought you said blacked out and that was the end?" Dr. Cho. "This doesn't make any sense to me, you were dying, how did you get here?"

"Fuck man, who knows?" Paladin said, taking a swig of his beer. "Ooh, maybe I did die after all! I'm a ghost! Woo!" He said gesturing wildly with his hands to recreate a ghost. "Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's right! Ghost Paladin!"

"Paul, I need you to be serious for a moment and tell me what happened." She said to him bluntly. "You passed out with poison in your body and you thought you were dying, what happened then?"

"All right, first off, I wasn't poisoned." Paladin began, leaning back on the bar to better tell his story. "Well, all right, yeah, I was technically poisoned. She hit me with poisoned knives. But weren't you paying attention? I lived with her for five months. I took a little bit of that poison everyday to develop an immunity to it. I read in this magazine one time about how if you took too much cold medicine…"

"Yes, I know what an immunity is." Dr. Cho interrupted. "Continue your story."

"Well, the poison wasn't going to do jack to me." Paladin said. "I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but I went ten rounds with Captain America. I fought a horde of fanatics. I'd spent the last month getting my ass kicked. I needed a nap."

"You needed…a nap?" She questioned suspiciously.

"Hells yes!" Paladin exclaimed, slamming his beer bottle down on the bar. "Well, and a hospital bed, but a nap couldn't hurt. I was a very injured man."

"Tell me about what happened when you woke up." Dr. Cho said.

Paladin polished off the last of his beer and he spoke. "Well, I woke up and everyone was gone. The entire island was deserted. I guess whoever didn't just flee the island wound up getting arrested. I heard something about Viper making it back to Madripoor. Good for her, really. Anyway, I got up and tried to patch myself up as best as I could. I managed to ultimately find Viper's office and sure enough, she had an emergency safe full of money. I figure I did my end of the job and I took what she owed me. After that I managed to find what had to be the only helicopter not yet destroyed by the assault or taken when the troops fled. I gassed it up, came home, had a few drinks, and here we are."

"And that's it?" Dr. Cho questioned. "You're not bothered by any of this in the least bit?"

"I don't know, you tell me. You're my psychiatrist." Paladin said.

"It doesn't work that way," Dr. Cho said more than a little annoyed. "I can't just tell you what you're feeling!"

"For three hundred dollars an hour you'd better be able to tell me something!" Paladin said defensively.

"Well, here's what I can tell you." Dr. Cho began.

"Yo." Paladin said to the bartender, shaking his bottle lightly to indicate he needed another beer. "One more, chop chop."

"Sorry man, last call was five minutes ago. You snooze you lose." The bartender replied with a yawn.

"Come on man!" Paladin pleaded. "I'm a super hero for crying out loud; can't you do something for me?"

"Whatever pal." The bartender replied as he continued to clean the bar.

"That's Paladin." He corrected before noticing his annoyed psychiatrist. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"I was saying," Continued Dr. Cho. "That you obviously have intense abandonment and commitment issues and you cover them up by overcompensating both with women and with your profession. You're an egomaniac and your sense of right and wrong is clearly skewed to fit your situation. You suffer from mania and delusions of grandeur…"

"Now hold on a damned moment!" Paladin interrupted. "You don't suffer from delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur are awesome!"

"In short, you're one of the most fucked up people I've ever met." Dr. Cho stated, gulping the last of her cosmopolitan. "Your actions are self destructive and borderline suicidal. You seem to only want the unachievable."

"Yeah, but do I feel guilty?" Paladin asked.

"Yes? No? Maybe? Who knows, to be honest? Your actions and emotions are contradictory, yet you don't seem to be a schizophrenic. Your sense of justice is undefined. You seem to have a fucked up version of loyalty that I could write an entire book on. You claim to be in love with a woman who left you, yet you've offered no reason as to why. You know deep down that she's not in love with you, yet you've been willing to die for her, and you're probably still willing to die for her. Some people would call that romantic. I'd call the police for a retraining order." Dr. Cho acknowledged the bartender as he brought her another cosmopolitan. "Thank you."

"Oh come on, what gives?" Paladin complained.

"She's not wearing a stupid looking Halloween costume." The bartended explained. "And I don't think she's drunk neither."

"Like I was saying," Dr. Cho continued. "You're all kinds of fucked up."

"Now wait a minute," Paladin said, suddenly more alert. "You're telling me I'm not in love with Wasp? At least, not real love?"

"How the hell should I know?" She questioned. "You haven't given me any reason why you love her."

"It doesn't matter, she doesn't love me." He said.

"Well, let's start there," Dr. Cho offered. "Why doesn't she love you?"

"For one thing, I don't have any super powers." He said.

"Why would you think that was a prerequisite for her to love someone?" Dr. Cho asked.

"Because everyone she's ever dated has had super powers." Paladin explained. "Even when we were dating, the only way we could have decent sex was to go out and beat the hell out of some costumed thug first. Then she fucked like a rhino. If not, she was a dead fish."

"Why else?" She asked.

"I'm a selfish jerk." He replied. "I strongly believe in self preservation and picking your battles. Doing what is best for your self before everyone else."

"And yet you call your self a super hero." She mused.

Paladin looked offended. "You're damned right I'm a super hero! I'm just not a public nanny. People need to stand up for themselves. They need to overcome their own struggles and be better people for it. That doesn't mean that I won't help someone out of a situation they can't control, but at the same time you won't see me leaping from rooftop to rooftop looking for crime to stop. Think of it like this: A woman walks down a street in a bad neighborhood late at night and has her purse stolen. Spider-Man swings in to save her and rescue the purse. Now all of a sudden, she's going to keep going out at night and will start walking more and more dangerous streets because she believes a super hero will save her at the last minute. One day she's raped and killed and she dies not knowing why. Now if Spider-Man had been swinging by and saw a guy run off with her purse and let him go, next time she wouldn't be as likely to walk alone in a dangerous area at night. She'd start taking the subway or a cab. Maybe walk with other people. She learns of the inherent danger of her actions and takes steps to preserve herself."

"And yet if she paid you, you'd beat the guy up and retrieve her purse." Dr. Cho observed.

"I see what you're getting at," Paladin said. "But you're not taking into account that she still learns a lesson. She knows she can't handle that man on her own and she requires help. Every action has a consequence. Her action was walking in a neighborhood that she shouldn't have been walking in. The consequence is having to pay my fee."

"Then what about you?" Dr. Cho asked. "You fight people stronger than yourself all the time."

"I guess I just don't care about the consequences." Paladin said.

"Our time is about up, but I'd like to give you a piece of advice, both professional and personal before I go." Dr. Cho said finishing up her cosmopolitan. "I've treated a super heroes. You're the first one who needs treatment in a bar in the middle of the night. I'm just saying you have a lot going in your head, and that can't be good for you when you're on the job. You need a vacation, maybe you could backpack across Europe. Don't get yourself killed because of this. Take some time for yourself. My offer to prescribe you anti-depressants still stands."

"I don't touch the stuff, doc. But thanks." Paladin said as the two of them stood up.

"At least drink some herbal tea." Dr. Cho said as they exchanged a hug. "Same time next week?"

"I don't think so," Paladin said. "You might be right about that vacation."

"Well, keep in touch." She said from the doorway with a smile. "And leave the costume at home."

Paladin paid his tab and walked out of the bar as the bartender closed the door behind him and locked. Paladin grinned to himself. "Vacation?" He laughed. "Who's got time for that when mind controlled dinosaurs are attacking Eskimos? I've got to get a warmer jacket."

"Hey buddy," Paladin heard from around the corner. "Need a lift?"

Paladin watched as the Black Knight stepped forward with a surprisingly calm Aragorn. "Hey Dane," He said with a cheerful smile. "No, I'm good man, got the car right here. You're more than welcome to stop by and play Madden with me or something."

"Oh," Black Knight said sadly looking at the ground. "I understand."

Paladin finally caved in. "All right, what the hell? Let's get out of here."

As Paladin and Black Knight soared through the air on the back of the flying horse, Paladin adjusted his grip on Black Knights waist and voiced his protest. "This is so gay!" He shouted.

"You know, you're lucky!" Black Knight yelled back to him. "I tried for years to get Wasp to sleep with me. She never would!"

"I know man," Paladin replied. "We used to laugh about it for hours."

"You're a dick, man." Black Knight yelled. "Hey, do you got any more of those pizza rolls?"

"No, but I picked up some microwaveable burritos at Wal-Mart!" Paladin responded. "Four for a dollar!"

"Fuck! Yes! Fuck!" Black Knight yelled. "Madden and burritos! Life is great!"


End file.
